Are we even still equipped for meaningful connections?
Have you ever considered just how many of us are walking around, hiding behind walls of our own construction?
I don’t know about you, but for me, the world can seem pretty scary sometimes. Actually…a lot of the time. Even when it isn’t.
If you’ve opened up and been burned before by a partner, friend, boss, colleague or semi-stranger in virtually any social setting, you’ll know what I’m talking about. You’ll probably remember the visceral feeling of it and you’ll likely never forget it.
Because people are unpredictable and our brains do a brilliant job of storing up those experiences and using them to trigger physiological responses whenever similar situations arise in the future.
Like when your heart pounds before getting up to speak to a group of people, or your palms get sweaty just before you arrive on a date.
The truly frustrating thing about these so-called learned responses is that just because a past interaction hurts us, doesn’t mean:
- the pain we felt wasn’t necessary (in order to facilitate self-reflection, learning or growth)
- a similar interaction in future will hurt in the same way or to any degree at all
But the issue is that our brain convinces us to believe the opposite. It throws up our mental walls before we even realise what’s happening, hampering our capacity for establishing meaningful connections with those around us.
In a world obsessed with social media and messaging services, we are used to feeling somewhat ‘safe’ behind our screens and keyboards, wrapped up in the online personas we perpetuate and/or the pseudo-anonymity that the online world provides.
Digital interactions numb our senses by removing the inherent awkwardness and vulnerability we experience in face-to-face interactions. We get so used to consuming and emitting curated messages that we forget (or overlook) how shallow and one-dimensional they are. Why? Because they don’t require us to feel anything.
Emotions are deep, surprising and sometimes shocking in their impact, but they are at the core of what makes us human. The feeling of them is not only necessary, it is a necessity in order for us to learn from the world around us and grow as individuals.
The real problem many of us are facing collectively right now is that the more we get comfortable with the desensitisation that the online world facilitates, the more threatening the real world becomes to us.
Because real interactions require much more of us than we are used to giving. They don’t give us the time to curate our responses and feedback is direct and immediate.
As a consequence, we find ourselves operating with our walls up most of the time rather than giving ourselves and the people we interact with, the chance to really connect on a deeper level.
And the real loser…is us.
So how do we learn to be open again? Surely if we can unlearn the unhelpful behaviours that technology has enabled, we can start tearing down those walls that are keeping us from each other.
Personally, I’m currently on a little crusade to ‘champion meaningful connections’ in my life. If I’m going to get to a place of sustainable contentment, then I’ve decided that the simplest way to do that is to swap the things that give me superficial gratification for deep connections with real people who interest and inspire me.
Here’s the 3 actions I’m taking right now on that journey:
- Making the first move
I’m done with small talk. Like, really done. I feel like I’ve spent half my life commenting on the weather and discussing my plans for the weekend. If I’m going to offer real value to a conversation, it’s going to be in those moments where I’m my slightly broken, unusually quick-witted, reflective, vulnerable self. And when people meet that person, it’s amazing how rapidly their authentic selves emerge. So I’ve decided that in as many interactions as possible, I’m going to start making the first move. I’m going to open up and share my contemplations and ruminations about my world. I’m going to raise points of self reflection that make me uncomfortable and I’m going to be honest about who I am. Because if I don’t...I’m hiding behind walls like everyone else.
2. Prioritising in-person connections
I am actively choosing to champion face-to-face interactions throughout my week. I’ve decided that text messages and Instagram comments will not suffice anymore and that I’m going to be the one to seek and carve out time in people’s calendars to sit down and really talk…like the old days…with eye contact and undivided attention. I’m also searching out quiet spaces in which to do so to enable me to listen deeply and attentively.
3. Turning the notifications down
The best thing I’ve done in my life in the last month is switching all social media notifications off, except badges. Every time I was picking up my phone, I noticed that I was getting sucked out of reality and into the online world because I was being bombarded by home screen and banner notifications and frankly…I was sick of it. So I turned them all off and just left the badge notifications on so that I could still see there were things to ‘check’ but could choose a convenient time and frequency in which to do so. The impact of this simple action has been remarkable. I have SO much more time to think now and am much more present than I have ever been. I’ve given myself back the choice and control that I had lost to social media and in turn have found headspace and peace of mind that has both surprised and delighted me.
