The Story of My 2018: Growing Into ‘I am’.
What is it to own an identity? To say you are something?
At the beginning of 2018, I felt like I was trying to be many things. To do many things. But that I hadn’t conquered any of them yet.
In 2018, I became many things. Trying on many new hats, I put them on without feeling ready. Felt like an imposter. And then had to let myself grow into them.
And once I had grown into them, the next step was owning them as an identity. I find it really difficult to own an identity. To say you are a label. I feel like an imposter when I saw ‘I am’ something… A coach. A trainer. A speaker. A founder. It took me all of last year to begin to own these identities and share them with others.
I’ve realised that owning an identity is about whether it plays a large part of your current life, not about whether it meets some high unattainable standard you have set yourself about what it is to be ‘X’ ‘Y’ or ‘Z’. Nor is it a comparison to someone else, on a different journey around that identity.
How much time do I spend coaching, speaking , training, managing and dancing? Quite a lot. Both doing these activities but also reading about them and exploring new ways to do them better. They are important elements of my current life and therefore an important part of my current story about myself.
What are the identities that make you you but you don’t own?
Here are some of the identities I became in 2018:
I am a Dancer
On the dance floor at Zouk Mass (a dance marathon) in Prague in December, I realised that I was a dancer.
I’ve been dancing for 18 months but I still feel like a beginner in many ways. I still feel like I’m not good enough to qualify for the title ‘dancer’. But the reality is, my expectations for what a dancer is will mean that very few are dancers and that I won’t be dancer for many years.
I am a dancer. I live and breathe it. And…. I will always be learning to be a better dancer. It will never feel good enough. But that doesn’t make me not a dancer.
I am a Trainer.
I love to teach. But all my teaching has been informal, as an ‘extra’ liked to indulge in outside of everything else. In 2018 I wanted to jump in properly. To learn to deliver and to deliver well.
And the best way to learn is to do…
At the beginning of the year I assisted as a trainer on a programme. That went well but I also noticed myself holding back from giving it my all because I didn’t fully believe in what I had to say. The next month I designed and co-lead a workshop for Trigger. And then another and another. In the last quarter of the year this was stepped up somewhat: I designed and lead an 8-week programme for 8 students, helping them transform their conversations. And I was invited to attend a Train the Trainer programme with the Emotional Intelligence Academy so I can assist on running their global programmes on Emotional Skills and Competences and Evaluating Truthfulness and Credibility.
Training is something I love doing. When you train you don’t know what is coming exactly — what people might say or ask — and I’m constantly surprised by what answers come out of my mouth.
It’s interesting how much external feedback I needed — from trainers and my clients — to realise that training is something I do well. And I wonder how these plays out as a pattern in the rest of my life….
How much external feedback do you need to own your skills and abilities?
I am a Life Coach.
I remember my first training weekend at Animas. I was most definitely the youngest in a room of mostly 30–45 year female professionals, mothers, managers…. And a question popped into my mind:
A 26 year old life coach…. What life have you lived?
A common criticism. A belief that is so easy to internalise. But a misconception in many ways.
Age doesn’t guarentee wisdom, but more importantly, life coaching isn’t directive — its power is not to be found in the giving of answers but in creating a space for individuals to explore, develop and find the answers they need, that are right for them. It is much more empowering when we ourselves choose how to act, rather than being told what is best based on someone else’s experience of the world.
And it suited me perfectly as a philosophy. I’ve never been one to take direction, unless I asked for it. Any pre-boxed solutions handed to me I will always dismantle with a million questions to break down the premises of arguments and assumptions that have lead to the final result. I need to understand how one came to a solution before I follow.
And that is the way I have conversed with others. I assume the way I see the world isn’t the way they see it. That the journey they take wouldn’t necessarily be the one I chose, but that it needs to feel right for them.
And yet….
After the first month of training with Animas, I still hadn’t got any practice clients. It was a mixture of too much happening at the time and I hated the idea of not being able to do a great job with my clients. I didn’t feel ready.
If we feel ready, it means we’re probably too late to have started. Learning is by doing.
When I started doing I realised how natural coaching felt to me. It was just like having a conversation — holding space, listening well and asking questions that take people to new places to uncover insights and clarity. The practice hours with my clients became the excuse I needed to do this more.
What a joy it became to coach others — one of the most rewarding things I do. And I’ve discovered I can coach no matter what mood or state I am in. I’t’s just a case of being curious about another.
I am a Speaker
I’ve wanted to do a TEDx for years. My intention is actually to speak at TED, but I know that this is just one of the milestones on the way there.
When my application got accepted in early 2018 I felt good. But it wasn't until I posted this on social media that I felt great — so many kind comments and likes that made me think ‘maybe this is more of a deal than I thought’.
My TEDx was a success on the face of it — after a lot of prep, I recalled every word of the script, got the attention of the audience and received lovely compliments afterwards — but I didn’t really feel proud afterwards.
It just sort of happened and then it was done. And life carried on….
It wasn’t until it went live on my birthday in August, many months later, that I started to acknowledge the speech and myself. After watching it a few times (the first time I just felt self-conscious) I started to see myself from an outside angle, and suddently felt a wave of pride. And then the taps turned on. Out came an whirl of emotion. I wasn’t sad. I was starting to feel proud.
I’ve felt like feeling pride is something I shouldn’t do. I’ve felt ashamed taking space to feel proud and to voice this. Shouldn’t be proud of myself, shouldn’t dare be proud of myself publicly.
That’s the the same ‘should’ that says you shouldn’t share too much of yourself and that you shouldn’t talk to strangers. My TEDx included recognising ‘shoulds’ as potential fears and illusions.
So, yes….I’m proud.
And last week I received some great feedback on my presence and level of engagement. Now I’m owning this — I am a speaker and I speak well.
I am a Conversation Expert, A Thought-Leader, a Brand and I have a Voice.
I feel the voice in my head questioning this one. Expert. Expert. What does it even mean to be an expert?
I really don’t know. But I do know that my critical mind puts experts at the top 1%. It’s a high place to have to hit. I’m not saying I’m the best. There is a lot more I still have to learn and do but…
It turns out I actually know a fair amount about conversation. And I’ve only realise this when pointing stuff out to others. As well as being intuitively curious about social dynamics for most of my life, I’ve got an intellectual background — degrees in Philosophy, Applied Psychology and Linguistics (and got a distinction analysing dialogues for my dissertation), a diploma in Transformational Life Coaching, a certificate in Forensic Emotion Awareness, have completed NLP Advanced Practitioner Courses, taken a number of other communication courses and read several books.
I don’t have a PhD (yet!), I haven’t written a book (also yet!).
But when I share my insights ideas and perspectives at talks, training, during interviews and with individuals and organisations they think and call me expert. It’s something I need to start to embrace. And acknowledge that even experts have a lot to learn still.
And I have a following. And a brand.
It feels weird saying this as its not like it is huge and I almost don’t think I should (ah the stories we tell ourselves!) but I do.
It wasn’t until my third brand workshop that I began to release that I am the leader of Trigger and am very much central to it. And I can’t un-attach myself from it. People are curious about people. People follow people. Especially ones that embrace their idiosyncrciticies, it seems. Those purple trousers are staying!
I am a Manager
I have a great team. And we work well together. But it hasn't always been easy.
Some questions I grappled with this year….
What is it like to work with and manage friends? (Great!) Will the friendship change (Yes). How do you create boundaries? (Name them before they come up, when they come up and after they come up). How do you give honest and helpful and empowering feedback? (Ask questions). How much freedom, autonomy and direction is needed?(It depends — keep checking in). Do I need the final word over everything?(No). Can I show up at work and cry with my team or share my inner most worries? (Yes). Can remote-working work? (Yes, but you must use the phone / skype, some face-to-face where possible, as well as whatsapp).
Some tips I have learnt on managing others:
- DESIGN YOUR ALLIANCE. Set expectations at the beginning of the relationship by co-creating an alliance for how you wish to be together and how you need each other to be to achieve this. It is a great way to find out what is important to the other person and to contract how you will behave, so you have something to point at later down the line when difficulties come up.
- ASK PEOPLE TO GIVE THEMSELVES FEEDBACK — BOTH WHAT WENT WELL AND WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN DONE DIFFERENTLY. When I was training my team to facilitate Trigger events I learnt to say less in our follow-up calls, simply directing the conversation with questions and adding small things I noticed along the way. It was interesting how hard it was for them to notice and speak aloud what they did well and why. There is a great deal of joy to be had in celebrating what we do well, but we aren’t often invited by others to do it. It helps people feel empowered, own their work and also know what behaviour they need to repeat. By asking questions about what could have gone better, it helped them to become self-aware about the impact they had — a useful skill that can we used again and again — and feel ownership and enthusiasm about doing a better job next time round.
- BE CURIOUS NOT JUDGMENTAL ABOUT BEHAVIOUR. I have no idea why people do the things they do. That is because they are not me and the way I think about the world isn’t the same as me. But sometimes I think things are obvious. But they aren’t. When people do things that make an impact, especially if it is negative, the first question I ask is about what happened. Issues aren’t usually singular — they are part of a system of behaviour or processes. My job is to understand what went wrong, not who to blame. You have to remove your judgment first and become curious about what happened. What is behind a behaviour? The 5 whys exercise is useful as well for uncovering the real issues.
- SHOW YOU’RE HUMAN TOO. Once a week, generally on a Friday, we get together in person or Zoom (some are remote workers) for ‘Friday Flashbacks’. This is a chance for each of us to individually share our reflections on the week — to share the highs and the lows. To celebrate success, to rant. We don’t just talk work. It’s a personal check-in too. A safe space to share where you’re at without judgments.And when we share the true us, our whole self, there is a lot of compassion. We’ve felt a lot of empathy just by listening to each other. And for me its also a place to share some of my concerns about things that happen that they don’t know about and I greatly value the space to share these with someone and to be seen.
- AND BRING THE WHOLE HUMAN TO WORK. Most days, before we get down to work in a meeting we check-in and say hi. Ask about their weekend or evening and really show interest in each other’s lives outside work. It’s space to feel seen and valued and also to understand what emotional state they are bringing to the day (which will no doubt affect the meeting). Those 5–10 minutes of relational (and not just transactional) conversation help build a solid foundation of trust and like-ability — which is critical when times get hard. Also, I enjoy going to work because I get to see people and be social.
I am Beautiful and Attractive
This one is hard to write.
Hard to write not knowing who will read it. How it will be perceived. But it is important to share it because I know I’m not the only only in this camp. And the framework for having and continuing to believe this belief — is pretty universal.
Last year, with the help of my life coach, and friends — a fellow life coach and therapist — I battled through a limiting belief I have been carrying around with me since secondary school: that I wasn’t attractive or beautiful. That my attractiveness was only due to my personality and my mind.
The story I created about myself I continued to reinforce. When people gave me compliments, eye contact and smiles, I chose to not trust them, thinking them to be outliers. When I didn’t get the attention I desired at parties or events, I took this evidence (or lack thereof) to reinforce the beliefs I had about myself.
I’ve noticed that those who think they are attractive, generally act like they are and then receive more attention. When one owns beauty with confidence, this is in itself beautiful and attractive.
In 2017 at a workshop we were encouraged to look into the stories we had been telling ourselves about who we are and the beliefs that underpin these stories. The ‘tapes’ we continue to play. What would it look like to change the tape? That evening I played a new tape and suddenly saw a lot of new evidence that supported my new belief, that I was beautiful and attractive.
When you chose to hold a new belief about yourself, it won’t stick around unless you can prove it to be true. The way to change a belief is simply to find new evidence that supports the belief.
So I decided to spend more time in 2018 playing a new tape. I first dismantled the old one — by understanding who I got the belief from, what counter-evidence I had for it and exporing what it would take for me to believe a more empowering belief about myself. The answer to that last one made me realise how impossible I was making it for myself to shift belief. How ridiculous the standards I had set for ‘proof’ were.
Then I started trying on a new identity and seeing what evidence I could find to support it. The more I searched for evidence. The more I found. And the more I found the more I believed.
It took me most of the year to be able to say it aloud.
And another 6 months to be able to share it. And I still feel vulnerable sharing it here.
I am an Entrepreneur
Joining the New Entrepreneurs Foundation 2019 Cohort last year made me believe I both was and wasn’t an entrepreneur.
I’d started a company, made money from running events that were considered unique, unusual and alternative. I had created a thing and kept it going, bringing together over 1000 humans to experience it, mostly via word of mouth. We had wonderful 5* reviews. And a team.
And yet…. I kept hearing tales of wantrapreneurs (we have taken action and sold so pretty sure we’re not this!), of ‘entrepreneurial, not an entrepreneur’ or of not being a proper entrepreneur until you create something that:
- Is financially sustainable
- Is a growth oriented start-up
- Makes you money whilst you sleep
- Doesn’t depend on you being there to feed the machine
We haven’t hit all of the above yet. A lot relies on me to deliver it as we’re mostly offering a service. But it doesn’t always have to be this way.
What is it to be an entrepreneur?
‘’An entrepreneur is an individual who, rather than working as an employee, founds and runs a small business, assuming all the risks and rewards of the venture. The entrepreneur is commonly seen as an innovator, a source of new ideas, goods, services and business/or procedures.’’ Investopedia
According to this definition, I have hit all the above requirements for being an entrepreneur. Still the critical part of me questions if this definition is the right one (that is the high standards, criticial part of me on fire!)
So, I’m going to own it this year and then see what happens. Who knows, maybe we will hit all of the other above criteria!
Key learnings on Owning Identities…
You don’t qualify as something because of some unbelievable high expectation of what it is to be ‘that thing’. It’s our imposter syndrome that stops us becoming that thing.
You become something when you do that thing consistently, such that it is a an important part of you.
That doesn’t mean you will always be that thing.
And It didn’t mean that you can’t become a better version of that thing. We’re can always get better.
Curious to Read More?
I write a monthly email called ‘Conversations with Georgie’ — this is the home of my thoughts on conversation deconstruction, personal stories of finding my edge in the personal development world and musings on what it means to be human. And, in ‘lifelong learner’ style, all with plenty of insights and nuggets that I hope may resonate with you on your journey through life.
Come and join the conversation.
