Why can’t I open the door?
I frequently come across posts saying that if someone found themselves in a room full of people they’ve loved, they would definitely run into the person who treated them the best, yet spend the entire time fixated on the one they wish had treated them similarly. It leads me to ponder how it would be if you were the one in such scenario. Who would you run to? Who would you stare into? But then, I just laugh to myself knowing that I wouldn’t even be in that room. In the midst of all those you’ve admired, I’ll be outside the threshold, begging for inclusion, yearning for recognition. I’ll be lingering by the doorway, pleading for participation.
Not the leading role nor the understudy — almost overlooked entirely.
If there’s one thing I learned from what we had, it’s that loving someone does not equate to owning them. That’s a hard pill to swallow. But in the end of the day, it’s the truth. We don’t own the people we love and that’s perfectly fine. It’s totally fine to love someone despite not being loved back the same way. It’s okay to love someone who already has their eyes on someone else. It’s okay to love someone who already has their heart beat for someone else. Love doesn’t have to be transactional; love is just .. love. There are countless possibilities in love and I won’t be the type to dictate your choices in matters of the heart. Of course, I learned it the hard way. I never wanted to accept it in the first place because, well, I wanted you.
We weren’t given a long period of time being together and I don’t really want to think that it was meant to be that short. But maybe the universe really tore us apart too soon to prevent further pain. Maybe it clouded your thoughts then, so any confusion wouldn’t hurt me even more later on. I don’t forgive you with that. I cannot grant you forgiveness for causing me such agony. I refuse to forgive you for causing me such suffering. I find it hard to move forward from what happened between us, and its extent to which it reached such level of chaos and discord. Or maybe I just find it hard to take in things because I did not know anything better. I’ve been crying my heart out while screaming, “I hate him!” But even that is a lie that fades into nothingness. You’re someone I cannot just simply forget. I still think of you from time to time, but I would cut off my hands first before even trying to reach you out again.
I won’t say goodbye, I can’t say goodbye. I refuse to bid farewell as I’m unable to do so. Instead, this is more of “I’ll see you again.”
I hope we’ll meet again.
By then, I hope I can finally have the keys for ‘the’ room. The room where all the previous occupants have already been discharged. A space reserved solely for us. Well, it remains just a wish for now.
-gi
