Matters of the now
The world does not stop. When you walk, and pause for a moment, life goes on around you. People’s days continue while you are in your own bubble, that as much as you’d like to believe you matter just a little bit to someone that when your heart stops, their’s might, just as well. But life is not that way, as I have grown to understand. The universe does not revolve around the way you feel. Hence, the need to remind yourself to be mindful. Life goes on around you even when you stop. It does not stop with you.
As much as I wish I could validate the feelings I have, it is always a continuous challenge to do so. For when I find myself pausing to take a breath, it never lasts for too long because I am reminded that time does not stop even when I take the batteries out. When I say I have seven hours in the day left, and you say I should take a break for an hour, I’d be left with six. The work I’d have to do would be severely compromised. Perfectionism in fitting everything you have to do within the day is an unusual kind of pressure to put on one’s self when for the first twenty years of your life, you got through the day on whims. Clearly, I was never one for extreme time management. I always used to leave some hours of the day for breathers. And thus, I am left with a sense of constant paranoia, anxiety, fear, and hyper-awareness—all to ensure that the 24 hours of my day are well set-aside. (Side note: hyper-awareness is not mindfulness. Being hyper-aware is akin to observing drizzles and seeing them as storms. Mindfulness is feeling the water on your skin, feeling it seep into your pores, and every movement feels as empowering as a storm). I do not feel human this way, but it is the way to get by. For when I decide to put my humanity above the mechanical way of getting through the day, the rest of the days fall into shambles and I am back in a bubble. When I do, I might not come out of it.
But that’s okay, I say to myself, after all, it is just the next four years of my life. One down, four to go.
What a sad way to live, especially when you know you have a choice to leave, but the only thing making you stay… is a dream you are not so sure you still want.
I just want to go home. I just want to feel like a human being again, without feeling like I am wasting my time, without feeling like I’m getting left behind, alone, again, naturally.