A thief called my phone the minute I walked out of the building I work in. A thief, whose number I had blocked a few times before today.
“Hello?”
“Hey it’s me, C____”
“Oh, ok…..” The call immediately ends there. I feel that if you hold a token of love out for a thief, the second you blink, the token and thief have disappeared…. Maybe I’m wrong. I do know that I’m tired of taking or, in this case, giving chances.
A smile given towards this type of thief is an open invitation to ruin. Proven over and over again that a bright smile in the darkness can get you killed. Knowing this is important, but I can’t live this way anymore. I refuse to.
There was a time I was more than just fearful of personal things with this person. Stealing was nowhere near the top of the list. My mental and physical well being were. You come into this world ready to love, accept and be happy. It’s the zenith of life that us humans only get to experience from time to time. People say “that’s just life” but I feel we collectively choose to make each other’s lives miserable. We all learn it from someone else. Me? From my “big sister.”
I’ve always been a quiet person, I sit back, observe and learn from my surroundings. I learned from her that if you can’t inherently trust your sibling, who you’re supposed to trust the most with any bit of information, it’s pretty difficult to learn how to trust anyone else. I can’t trust someone who is supposed to help me and teach me to do something simple like, not try to kill me in my sleep. It’s unnerving. It’s something you can’t forget about.
I’ve of course known her for all of my 26 years on this earth. She has done nothing but get worse, she is unapologetic, she has no friends, she doesn’t even love her two great kids. She doesn’t even try to look after them at all. She has fallen into drugs and alcohol. I know something deep down pains her and, it’s an uncrackable code. Ive tried to be calm, “be the bigger man” everyone says. I’m very calm and patient, unquestionably. I can’t wait forever.
Sometimes, I stutter when I speak. I will think of a sentence and think of 2 different paths of getting my message across and mix them together. My body knows time is the only luxury. Ive spent way too much time and energy depressed and sad thinking of my sisters sadness. 26 years straight Ive worried and beat myself up because I don’t know how to make her happy when it is not my fault. I want happiness. I want true freedom in my life. I’m tired of spending every second letting this consume my life.
I realize putting your love I to some people is like light into a black hole. You get no return, you’re only drained. This was very hard to figure out alone but, I’m finally done.
