My experience with Ayahuasca

Giordano Estevao
Sep 2, 2018 · 5 min read

Beginning:
At first I was afraid. I felt things I had never felt, and I did not know how to behave. I was meditating, then suddenly I started to enter a new world that lived in my head. I saw colors, many colors, and from there, I saw the universe swallowing me, but I couldn’t accept it, I couldn’t enter because it wasn’t what I expected, it wasn’t what I wanted, I didn’t want to enter the universe, but it wanted to get inside me. I threw up. At that moment, I started to recompose, I felt the grass between my fingers, I saw snakes moving over them, but it was okay, because I understood that at that moment I was giving them what they wanted, the food, they wanted to eat my old self, who was going to stay on the grass in the this far away hill, and I was going to stand up as a new person. I found myself laughing over my vomit, I was happy because I felt it was the first moment of the rest of my life, I got up, I sat down back in the common area, and I began to feel the universe swallowing me again. But this time I understood that the universe was everything around me, that I needed to understand the universe before I understood myself.
Reality:
Because of this, I would close my eyes, and see everything that was actually happening. I could see real life clearly. It became clear to me that I needed to stop trying to seek my happiness in something else, and accept my life, my world, everything that was happening to me at that moment.
Divorce:
I dealt with the divorce. There was a moment in which I could see everything clearly after the amount of absurd information that came into my head. At that moment, a tribal music started playing to refer people back to their ancestors, the attempt was to bring the person to his Indian heritage, to his inner ancestor, I personally found my direct ancestors, my family. I saw my mother, father and sister, they did not talk, they were just there with me. I looked to the right and saw my mother; I wondered if our relashionship was good. Realize it was. Soon after, I turned to my father, he was on my left. There was a very strong grudge, wounds that had been in me for a long time, and I had never had the time or the courage to accept or cope with them. When I looked at him I felt hate, everything was not okay.
I entered a state of struggle with myself, angry with the world, but mainly with him, but I was no longer afraid to face him, I was angry at him, an absurd anger that I never had the courage to expose, that anger manifested itself in form of lion, I became a lion, I felt my claws, my teeth, my paws, and my anger, my sense of power, I roared, I scared all the evils that were there, but soon I started to turn back into myself, I realized that I had the lion inside me, but still I was myself, my own person. Here came the sadness, sadness at the amount of anger I had just demonstrated, sadness at letting this rage consume me and obfuscate the true feeling that I should have felt for my father, which is love. Despite all he did, he has a finite time on earth, and I cann’t hold a grudge for the rest of my life, I have to accept him the way he is and put him back into my life instead of constantly trying to push him away. At that moment I cried, I cried a lot, I was very hurt by how much I let this problem spread, just because I did not know how to accept or deal with it. But I was ready to finally forgive my father’s mistakes, and deal with my parents divorce, something that in 3 years, I had never accepted or given me time to grieve upon.
After this moment of self-discovery, I returned to the beginning. I looked to the right, I saw my mother, I was fine with her, I looked left, I saw my father, I was fine with him, I looked forward, I saw my sister. At that moment I cried uncontrolably. I came to the realization that she was always the center of my life, and I was hers, but I’ve been moving away from her for years because I can’t open up with anyone. I do not tell her that I love her enough, and I’m afraid she will never understand the importance she has in my life. There is nothing I would not do for her, and yet, in the last moments I denied everything to her. I need to get closer to her, and show her that I’m still the brother who loves her, despite everything that happened. But for that, I need self-knowledge, to find myself again.

Self knowledge:
I looked at the fire, and closed my eyes, in the light I saw a deity, but the deity was not a god, it was myself, because everything that was happening was going on inside of my head, I was finding myself again. The person I’ve always looked for and never thought I’d meet. I always had a lot of identity problems, but after that experience, I came to a more logical conclusion, I always knew who I really was, I just did not know how to process it, how to find my true self. I had many personalities for the purpose of creating many friendships, and this made it so that I never really knew if the person I was being was my creation, or really me. I came to the realization that I am everything, I am all those people that I created, I just needed to accept that the joining of all of them makes me who I really am. It seems obvious and even foolish, but it is not. Sometimes the easiest answer is the hardest to accept, how the answer to something that had bothered me for years was in my face from the beginning. I was discovering myself, and within that discovery I began to move. Uncontrollably, moving my arms, feeling my wings, in that moment I turned, I became an eagle.

I spread my wings and saw the whole world below me, I was finally free from suffering, I know who I am, I’m fine with my family, and I’m fine with my pain. I have eternal gratitude for the work I did, it opened up a lot to me of things I needed to be opened.
At that moment I discovered that I was self-sufficient, that I could not depend on others, that I had to make my decisions for myself. I am the owner of my own life, I just needed to know how to talk to myself, and that’s what I learned to do, I learned to listen to my inner self.
Jordana:
I dealt with our break up after my self-knowledge, to understand that I was self-sufficient reassured me to accept that it was the end of a journey, the best I’ve had, with someone very important. I was saddened by how it ended, regretted the way it ended, but appeased that I could get over it. That brought me spiritual peace. My problem from the beginning was trying to tame and surround a person who did not want to be like that. I accepted that I have to accept everyone for who they are, and see their perspective beyond my own.