A Look Back at This Year

2015 has been one of, if not the, best years of my life thus far. I’ve broken loads of bad habits, got myself into the greatest physical shape of my life, revived my love of the arts, and many more that are just far too great in number to list in this post. Despite all this it was also one of the most difficult times of my short ordeal on this planet. Before I move into the explanation as to why, I’m just going to tell you the core reason since I’m terrible at hinting things in writing: I’m gay. This is not something I realized recently but something I’ve known my whole life. Ever since I was very young, about 5 or 6, I would sit there at school in bewilderment at why other boys in my class would go after girls while I harboured no interest towards girls. I settled on the thought that it would go away in time and kept it to myself. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I was a little different from everyone else. Fast forward about two years or so. For the first time I hear the word “gay” and as expected it’s used in a negative context. I heard it used several times after that by various people at my school but I had no idea what it meant, other than the fact that it was something bad judging from the tone of voice used by the people saying it. Being a curious young one I looked it up in one of my teacher’s many dictionaries. This lead me to start understanding what homosexuality is as well as realize what I am. This was the point where I started to worry. I had only heard gay used negatively so at the time my uneducated mind assumed it was a bad thing. Here begins my inner struggle of self-acceptance. Fast forward another 7 years to this year where I’m in the eleventh grade. I’ve carried my secret all through elementary school and all through most of high school without telling a single soul. I wanted nothing more than to be open about who and what I am with other people. I couldn’t even admit to myself I was gay let alone other people. This was also the time when a lot of my friends started to figure themselves out as well, and and as a result started their own coming out processes. I felt pressured by this and lied to myself, and eventually other people, that I was unsure of my orientation. I desperately attempted many times to say those two words to myself in the mirror but every time I opened my mouth to speak it produced no sound. The constant feeling that there was something wrong with me, that I was wrong as a person, caused me to fall into depression. I felt an overwhelming sense of numbness 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. In September everything hit a boiling point and for the first time I did something I never thought I would. I considered suicide. I had the house to myself one night and I decided to do it. I wrote my note and explained everything and apologized to my family and friends for what I was about to do. Everything was in order and it was time to do the deed. I was literally centimetres away from slashing my wrists open when something made me to stop dead in my tracks. To this day I have absolutely no clue what it was. It wasn’t a nagging voice in my head telling me to stop and it wasn’t a gut feeling. I’m not sure I’ll ever know what it was but whatever it may be it has my eternal gratitude. I became dependent my love of music and came to realize that music didn’t talk back, didn’t call you names, and didn’t judge you. It played for anyone no matter who they were. Any time I felt myself sinking back to my low point I would retreat to my room and find an escape in the sonic barrage. A short time later there came a day when I realized that if I was going to rid myself of this burden I had no choice but to face it head on. I finally opened up about this to two of my very close friends. Had I not spoke to them there’s a good chance I wouldn’t be here right now writing this. I thought for days upon days upon days and one day I was completely blindsided. On November 10th, 2015 I said those two words to myself. I remember saying them a second time out of disbelief at what I had just said. It’s hard to describe exactly how it felt but just imagine it like this: a wave of every emotion possible hitting you one after the other followed by a feeling of as much relief the human body is capable of experiencing. My body just quivered like a stray puppy in the rain and I stayed like that for a few minutes just thinking about what I had done. I felt naked and vulnerable, like the bandages on a fresh wound had just been removed. Thankfully I was the only one home that day because I went to my room and cried for what felt like hours. My hands trembled for the rest of the day after that. I spent the next few days getting comfortable in my own skin and prepared myself for the next step: telling other people. I told my close friends and they all had the exact same reaction: “Cool, man”. Coming out to my family is another matter all together and, for brevity’s sake, something that won’t have a peaceful outcome. This post is my way of coming out to the world and telling anyone out there who might be struggling that everything’s going to be just fine and that there are people everywhere who will love and accept you for who you are. I don’t want anyone to struggle the same way I did and obsess over the exact same thought for 17 years of their life. I’m proud to be who I am and I hope that anyone who reads this sees it as an inspiration to tackle any problem they may have, whether it be internal or external. Closing note, I want you to see this post the same way I do: just another thing you now know about me and me doing my part to try and be a proper human being.