Life Phenomena : Preface v.19.6
I have to start, I have to start somehow. I’ve been thinking about this for so long and it’s been bugging me for as long as it is planted in my mind.
I first thought it was a phase. I waited for it to pass away, and it never did. I started worrying that it was depression. It really wans’t. I was happy and I am happy now. I guess. Thinking about it didn’t help, distracting myself from it didn’t help, traveling half the world and moving to a new place didn’t help, and growing up definitely didn’t help.
When the night falls, world calms, it’s time for the mind to accelerate. When all the distractions are gone, and when it is quiet enough to hear your own mind.
It is absurd, it is useless. The world might define me by how I act, speak, or look, but I define myself by how I think. I always thought about the question “Why?”. Yes, I was once like any other child, wondered about the reasons for everything(beings), why the things are the way they are. It soon became the “why”s that cyclopedia cannot answer. It didn’t take too long for my parents to answer “you’ll know it when you grow up”, and it definitely didn’t take me too long to stop asking curious “why”s. Although I stopped asking it from others I never stopped asking it from myself.
Growing up did teach me a lot of things in a very natural way. It was a slow process of having real life reassurance and personal confirmation on idioms I once heard as a child. It was kind of disappointing though that I didn’t get to have the answers to all the questions I have. It seemed like all the other adults already stopped asking questions and started seeking for the right answers.
Before I get too rhetorical and poetic about the universe, or too blunt and straight up asking the meaning of life, I just want to let you know that I don’t want to be that angry young adult complaining about the society. Of course there are plenty of things to complain about but I want to talk about topics we don’t waste time thinking about, reasons and answers we might never find. As I said earlier, useless stuff.
I seek to be a better version of myself and as many of my beliefs that formed from few sentences that I read or heard from a time I can’t remember, I believe that whatever you do, you have to start doing it from within. I don’t trust the reward and punishment system, I am sometimes even disgusted by it. I always thought that you must have the right mindset and a clear logic in mind to do whatever you are going to do, spontaneously.
Therefore, I always asked why I was going to do something before I did it and basically questioned eveything for the way they are. I thought if I could figure it out, everything would be clear, and I’ll do things that I have a convincing reason to do. Although this kind of behaviour as in questioning tradition, authority, and the fixed way of living a life is labled as a good virtue to have by many great people, it really is the opposite in daily life. Teenagers who wonder about these things might be labeled as “Emo” while adults who wonder about these things could be recommended to go see a shrink. As a young adult, I’ve decided to overcome the fear of being labled by strangers and appear as a stranger to people who might know me but not well enough. I’ll record my transition of thoughts on different topics and search for the answers to the biggest questions I can ever ask myself.
Quoting Sylvia Plath,
“Nothing stinks more than unpublished drafts”.
I need to get these ideas out of my mind. I’ve kept private journals, and I’ve been trying out open journals. They do help to ease the mind filled with turbulence, but I think what I need is a “slap on the face” kind of realization, so I can move on to something else, something better, something more realistic. I need my ideas to be flowing rather than getting stuck at this dead-end corner.
