What Happened during my seven years far from home*

Ghida Ibrahim
Jul 10, 2017 · 8 min read

*This piece was originally written in August 2016

Leaving Lebanon

Today, seven years ago, I bid farewell to my family and took the plane from Beirut International airport to Paris for the first time. I was a 21 years old girl studying ICT engineering and I had, for the first time in my life, to take a plane, to use a subway network and to count solely on myself in everything. My first months in Paris were full of confusion: what am I doing here? I asked myself. I clearly felt that I did not belong and my feeling of non-belonging was so overwhelming that I mistakenly spoke Arabic instead of French in the bank, the supermarket and with the international colleagues with whom I was doing my Masters. It took me almost a year to adjust to my new environment, to start seeing and feeling Paris, the city of light and love that everybody talks about. I also started to see myself, my old self, a girl who grew up in a village and then went to university, who had high grades, firm convictions, formed judgments and no curiosity to step into any form of risk or unfamiliarity. I could not believe that I was that girl and, although I loved her spontaneity and clumsiness, I did not want to be her anymore. This is why when my Masters ended and I was supposed to go back to Lebanon, I fought to stay and ended up living in Paris for five beautiful years.

Paris

Many things happened during my five years in Paris. I did a PhD and struggled with the consequences of this hard yet rewarding choice. I made friends from all over the world that I now call family, learned to spot false friends and unhealthy relationships, and made my peace with the fact that most people come and go. I traveled the world and explored new cultures, dishes and languages. I met people who inspired me after one hour of conversation and others who, for years, did everything to suffocate my motivation and kill my self-esteem. I learned not to judge people by their appearance or their titles, that a drunk homeless guy in front of my door can actually have more ethics than a CEO or a professor. I loved, was loved and witnessed the sadness of letting go of people I once cared so much about. I became a dual citizen and learned that embracing a new culture is not about denying your roots or living in a conflict, but rather about marrying different cultures to form your unique self-made identity. I rethought everything: religion, relations, standards and came to the conclusion that everything in life, including life itself, is debatable. I witnessed peaks of happiness and jumped out of joy under the rain. I also lived that kind of solitude that one feels despite the presence of many people around.

Paris definitely metamorphosed me and, as I once said to a close friend, what I loved the most about Paris more than Paris itself was my new self in Paris.

Pont des Arts- Paris- September 2012

The need for change

After five years of running in the Parisian metro, my new self was craving for a change, for a new beginning. I still loved “la joie de vivre” that the Parisian life offered but I simply felt that I was confining myself to a familiar space and life routine and that, by doing so, I was putting myself in yet another box.

With these thoughts in my mind, and while I was restlessly working on completing my PhD thesis in my Parisian studio, I received, on April 2014, a call from a recruitment agency concerning a job offer in Amsterdam. As I believe that everything in life happens for a reason, I gave the offer all my attention, not only in terms of position description and salary, but more in terms of life perspective. Was that the change that I was craving for? Am I ready to leave Paris and restart my life all over again? For putting more clarity into my thoughts, and after defending my PhD, I planned a month-long solo trip to the Far East only a few days before leaving. My mom was worried, some friends thought that it was dangerous for me to travel there alone, others wondered if everything was fine. Everything was fine actually and, after doing that trip, I can tell you that there is nothing as fine and healthy in life as giving yourself some time for self-exploration. The contemporary lifestyle that most of us lead makes of us working machines that do not have the time to stop and reflect. I have learned that connecting to my deeper soul is mandatory not only for finding inner peace but also because, whether you accept it or not, yourself is the only person you can trust to be your partner for life.

My trip was amazing. I climbed a volcano by night and watched the sunrise from the top, visited countless temples, befriended strangers wandering around the world, met locals who never heard the word “internet” and were not interested in knowing much about it…. Most importantly, I connected to myself and was ready afterwards for my next big step: Amsterdam.

Amsterdam

Two years ago, I arrived to Amsterdam knowing no one and have never ceased to change since then. Living in a new place as cozy, unconventional and diverse as Amsterdam pushed me to try new experiences such as sharing my apartment with roommates that I met only once and overcoming my fear of cycling by just getting on my bike! But the most important thing that happened to me was feeling that I have a lot of free time and that I have to fill my time in some unconventional way. This is how I started to search and join meaningful organizations and communities, look for ways to use my skills for impacting others’ lives and developed a passion for online learning and continuous self-development. It was as if I was seeing the world with new eyes and I wanted to be part of something beyond myself, my 9 to 5 job and my end-of-month salary. The results are that I am now contributing to two global networks (World Economic Forum Global Shapers and Arab Women in Computing) which both are opening countless learning, impacting and networking opportunities for me, I recently started a social initiative focusing on refugees, I became a self-made data scientist and I am now moving to a full-time job in this domain and, most importantly, I am meeting inspiring people from all walks of life almost every day, some of them I am proud to call my friends.

Judging from my Facebook profile, people think that I was having a wonderful life. This is true, except that, for me, a wonderful life is not necessarily one where I am always happy. Instead, it is one where I am constantly evolving and pushing my boundaries. And this evolution cannot simply happen if I prioritize feeling comfortable over feeling challenged, feeling accepted and in my element over feeling that I have to find and earn my place in the larger world.

My life is very busy and far from being perfect. Sometimes, I feel that I just want to give up or to limit my scope. I am always advised to focus on one thing: my life as an ICT professional, my side activities, my social business, my personal life. However, I simply cannot let go of any of these as each of them is now a defining component of who I am. As such, I am trying to figure out a formula or a mode of life where my many passions and aspirations can peacefully co-exist. In the meanwhile, I do not complain. Chaos and disorder are also vital parts of life.

Lisse- Netherlands- April 2015

Where is Home?

Having lived in three countries and visited more than 25 for work and leisure, I am often asked where is my home. As simple as this question may sound, it is actually a complicated one. To answer it sincerely, I would say that I am constantly wandering between a feeling of belonging to a place and not belonging to it. This wandering has more to do with me than with the place itself. A bike ride through the canals of Amsterdam on a summer evening can leave me with a feeling of satisfaction and belonging to the city and its people, or can create in me a nostalgia to other summer evenings in other distant places. I think that most people who have lived in many places are, in some way or another, destined to belonging to all of these places without really belonging to any.

If I allow myself to give any identity-related advice to anyone, I would summarize what the French Lebanese author Amin Maalouf has mentioned in his book “Murderous Identities”: Do not overwork to hide your difference by totally conforming to the persona of your new society. Do not exaggerate either in highlighting your difference and showing your other cultural side.

Be yourself, someone whose character and traits are a selective mix of all the cultures that you have been exposed to, all the people who inspired you, and all the events that shaped your life. Whether this means being half-Arab half-European, Arab European, or a global citizen is a detail. The important thing to remember is that a mix is beautiful and that a mix does not always need to have a name.

Cedars of God- Lebanon- August 2016

The better is yet to come!

As I celebrate my seven years far from my original home, I have to admit that I deeply miss my parents and that I am daily living the guilt of them aging far away from my sight.

What to do next remains an open question including going back to Lebanon or moving to a new country. But, whatever the future holds, I am now sure that these seven years, with all their ups and downs, were an amazing adventure that I would have denied myself would I have been confined to my old way of thinking. I am grateful for every person, every experience, every city and every moment as the person who I currently am is far more happy, more knowledgeable, more capable and more tolerant than the person I was seven years ago.

Life is a dream. I hope to live up to it and to make it worthy. I mostly hope to make the next seven years as spectacular as the last seven.

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