The Power in Growth

Growth isn’t easy. Anyone who says it is, is probably lying. Growth hurts. It’s painful — but oh so necessary. I’ve been shedding my skin for a couple of months now. I was holding on tight to my old skin for a while after I moved to Los Angeles. I didn’t want to let it go. It’d been with me for 26 years. I still kind of liked it. It still fit and it wasn’t out of style — at least until now.

Last weekend I visited my hometown. It wasn’t my first time back since I moved, but this time it was different. Something felt off. I felt out of place in a lot of ways. The things that used to bring me comfort — no longer did. My ex-boyfriend who I had been on and off with for 10 years didn’t text me to see if I wanted to hang out because he belongs to another now. I didn’t see a lot of my friends (some of which I had been friends with since we were in high school) because distance decided we needed to break up. And my childhood home felt oh so foreign.

Of course, there are a few people and places that will forever have my heart. My mother, brother, my friends who supported me moving 10000%, but other than that — it’s just my past. It’s just my childhood. It’s just roots. And roots can be pulled.

So here I am, back in LA dealing with a little bit of heartbreak, a little bit of drama, a huge amount of growing pain and I realize the importance in all of this. It’s teaching me power. It’s teaching me MY power.

The other night as I was journaling, feeling sorry for myself. Wondering why things were the way they were. Over analyzing text messages and half-assed hugs, I heard something inside me go, “Why are you giving these people, places and things the ability to control how you feel? You are a powerful creature — you may not believe it right now. But you will.”

And it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I am powerful. No one gets to make me feel anything other than what I want to feel. No one gets to make me feel less than what I am. I don’t feel rejection unless I choose to feel rejection. No is allowed to make me feel sad unless I choose to feel sad. No one gets to control me but me. I am in control of me. And if anyone tries to take it from me — they better get ready battle. I was not put on this earth to let someone else drive me. And if that means letting some people, places and things go, then so be it. I will suffer the loss.

Loss is inevitable. It happens almost every day, even in the smallest of ways. I mean, we lost yesterday didn’t we? We will lose today in a matter of hours. I’ve lost hours, days, weeks, years. I’m losing my skin the more I shed into who I am supposed to be. I’m unrooted myself in order to re-root myself else where. I’m saying goodbye to one place to say hello to another. But in all of this loss, the one thing I will NOT lose is my power. It’s one of the few things that will always go with me — no matter what happens.

I still have a lot of growing up to do. I know this. But I’m ready to move forward. I’m ready to completely shed myself. To grow into new skin. To be better than I was. To be in control.

What I’m trying to say is: you are powerful. Don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise and I promise to do the same.

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