Time doesn’t heal all.
Time heals all.
Or at least that is what they say.
I believe time is a healer in most cases, especially a really bad case of heartbreak. Eventually time always found its way to me when I felt like my heart would never be full again. Whether I was crying over a recent ex-boyfriend or spilt milk, time came in unannounced and closed up the wound.
I’m starting to think time heals all except when it comes to death. Time has not healed my father’s death. In fact, in some ways time has actually made it a little harder.
When I say this, don’t think I am constantly falling over in despair. These little moments usually happen quite quickly, almost out of nowhere. My mind will start to run — eventually running right into thoughts of my father. I don’t know if it’s because I’m older now (I was 17 when he passed away), but it hurts more than it did when my family first lost him. Eight years later hurts more than eight days after.
Time reminds me of how long I’ve gone without a father. Time reminds me of how many more years I will be on this earth without him. Times reminds me I’ve forgotten his voice. Time makes me wonder what he would be like if he were still here. Time makes me ask what our relationship would be like. Would he be proud of me? Would he get sober eventually? Would my mother stay with him?
Time makes my heart grow fonder of him, which makes my heart miss him more. Time makes me realize how much distance is between us now.
Time hasn’t healed anything for me when it comes to him. Maybe in death, time is meant to keep my father alive for me — within me.
Gone, but never forgetten. I think I truly understand what that saying means now.
Time doesn’t make remembering him easy, but it makes it worth it. Time is what will remind me to tell my kids about how cool their tie-dye wearing grandpa was.
I don’t know what forever feels like, but I can tell you how eight years feels. And most days it feels like an eternity.
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