From the book The 11 laws of likability by Michelle Tillis Laderman — pt.4 — 5 of 9
#4 Skip events where you can’t be authentic.
Have you ever felt obligated to go to an event you didn’t want to attend? We’ve all been there and often we go because we think we should.
But unless you either want — or absolutely must — go to an event, you’re better off not going. Your authentic self will only emerge when you make the choices that you want to make, not the choices you should make. By only attending events that you want to attend, you can stay true to your authentic self.
Generally speaking, there are two types of events: the ones you get to attend, which make you feel happy and excited, and the ones you have to attend because, say, your employer or family member, suggests you do.
The key here is to make wise choices between the two and remember that you do have a choice. If there are events you “have to” attend that you can get out of, get out of them. Or, if there’s a meeting that you don’t really need to be in, skip it.
Making small adjustments to your attitude also goes a long way. In fact, success is all about maintaining a positive attitude. So if there are events you just can’t get out of, try transforming them into events you get to do by looking for aspects about them that are exciting.
For instance, if you’re not in the mood to go to the birthday party of someone you don’t know very well but feel obligated to do so, bring a friend along. It’ll make you feel authentic and comfortable because the two of you can mingle in small groups and meet new people.
And remember, there’s no right way to be at a social gathering. The best thing you can be is yourself.
#5 Be consistent and confident in your communication.
Have you ever walked away from a conversation with someone and felt like he was totally fake?
Perhaps because his body language wasn’t in sync with his words, an error that you should be certain to avoid.
Instead, you should work to communicate with consistency. Try using the three key components to communication, known as the three V’s:
The first V stands for verbal, or the words you say; the second is for vocal, or the tone of your voice; the third is visual, or your body language.
So keep your three V’s in chorus whenever you communicate, meaning send the same message verbally, vocally and visually.
In his book, Silent Messages, the psychologist Albert Mehrabian says that someone’s “total liking” is 7 percent verbal, 38 percent vocal and 55 percent visual. That means the words that come out of your mouth have close to no effect on your likability if they’re not in sync with your body language and tone of voice.
But communication isn’t just about being consistent and your three V’s can sometimes fall out of line because of self-doubt. After all, if you don’t believe what you’re saying, nobody else will. Not just that, but if you don’t feel good about yourself, your body language will communicate it.
So, how can you exude the confidence you need to communicate effectively?
First off, you need to recognize that the way you describe something also impacts the way you perceive it. Framing things positively will help you shed your negative thoughts. For instance, instead of saying to yourself, “I’m too slow and will never get this done,” say, “I’m taking my time to make sure things get done correctly.”
And, finally, concentrate on what you can do, instead of what you can’t. For example, you should turn thoughts like, “I have no idea how to do this” into “I’m excited to work on something new.”
Source: Blinkist app