Mental illness and the fear to open up

The Advocate
Jul 22, 2017 · 3 min read

Warning: talking about death by suicide and the stigma surrounding it

The recent events stirred a lot of emotion inside of me. I am going through a depressive episode and news about any death caused by suicide shake me to the core. The news about Chester’s death hit me hard. I grew up listening to Linkin Park’s songs. I had the name of this band written in markers on the backpack I used to wear to school when I was 13. I learned English through their songs, and I always managed to grasp their meaning, probably because my mood swings started to manifest about that age.

I am always shattered when I hear that people die by suicide after they battled mental illness for such a long time. It makes me open my eyes and realize that, even if sometimes I try to downplay my symptoms, mental illness is a vile, silent killer.

What shocked me about the sad news is the lack of empathy and even sympathy people from my generation have towards people who die by suicide. I read a comment from a 17 years old today, who stated that he doesn’t care and he can’t have any sympathy for a person who ‘’did it to himself, chose death’’. It brought tears to my eyes, because my hope is that younger generations understand more about mental health. I still hope that more education about this subject will build towards understanding why suicide happens.

I have been there. I have been on the brink of checking out of this world. I even attempted it. It’s such a hard thing to admit and most of the people in my life don’t know about all this. They might find this post shocking if they come to read it.

I do not consider that suicide is a ‘’choice’’, as many prefer to address it. The pain one person feels before actually acting up in this dangerous way is unimaginable. It’s like needing morphine for the soul, only there is no such thing. Some turn to drugs, some others to alcohol, others to self-harm. These people try to manage the best they can, trying to kill the pain and live a normal life. These people are the artists we admire, the relatives we don’t hear much about, our neighbours, our family, our friends. Mental illness doesn’t care about status, about age, about absolutely anything.

Mental illness doesn’t discriminate, people do. We do push people aside, we don’t educate ourselves, and we don’t care. This contributes to the fear of opening up and asking for help. We try to express ourselves the best we can, but the world is deaf to our plea. We feel lost.

I am pretty much open about Bipolar Disorder. I am trying to bring awareness and educate as much as I can, but I sometimes feel defeated.

Just yesterday, going through a very hard time and reaching for help, I told a friend about how I’m feeling. I told him that I just want to be safe through the night because I am in a lot of emotional pain, and the nights are brutal. This person I really thought high of, an artist, a person I decided I will collaborate with, took the knife and just twisted it into my wound even more. He reacted in such a bad way, disturbed by my ‘’crazy thoughts’’, mockingly asking if I’m okay. I was opening up, I thought one of our discussions would help me, and I got shamed for ‘’complaining too much’’ and being ‘’dramatic’’. I was also told that I ‘’bore people to death’’ when talking about my problems. Again, this was a person from my generation, an educated individual, an individual I thought I formed a friendship with.

I stopped contacting this person after the discussion, but it made me think of that comment made by the 17 years old boy, the lack of empathy and sympathy, and how we have to come such a long way until the stigma around death caused by mental illness.

People do not ‘’commit’’ suicide, people die by it. Let’s stop stigmatizing the people who lost their lives to suicide, let’s stop making it seems like it’s all their fault. Let’s listen more, let’s care more.

Don’t make people afraid of opening up! Do you know that friend of yours who seemed like he got the ‘’blues’’? Why not give him a call? Listen and don’t judge, you might save a life!

The Advocate

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