It’s often overlooked that, in the Bible, Jesus and the energy flowing through prophets referred to as God advised people to show love rather than giving tithes, sacrifices, and monuments. God is love. That’s Christianity. Not what people have told you otherwise.
If you’re looking for something more, to help you with the pain, it exists. But you’re right, it can’t be found through religion, though it can be fostered through religion once you find it for yourself. At least that’s what my girlfriend tells me who had a similar awakening as me.
To see a truer version of Jesus than the Bible and religion prescribes, I recommend watching Martin Scorsese’s Last Temptation of Christ. It seems you experienced a lot of pain during your service and I do believe the love that Jesus taught can help you have a little less pain.
I’ve suffered quite a lot in life but it’s fine. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Appreciation comes through pain and is manifested through love, or the awakening that meditating on Christ can spawn.
Christ is not the only way — others have found peace through different means — but it is a beautiful way if you can shed the old Christian “programs.” It’s also a way that can supplement other ways to tap into the healing energy of the life that the body can not see, taste, hear, smell, or touch.
Much love to you, and I love that you have to courage to step back from proclaimed Christians and pursue the pure thought of “hey, this doesn’t feel right” — but maybe approach the thought with a little more love. ❤️