Dreaming of the Unconscious Realm

First of all: What an extravagant title.

I stayed up super duper late again last night. I mean, I stayed up all night. I didn’t sleep until around 8am. Why was I up so late? I was transferring numbers. Numbers from my tiny sketchbook to a 7.5ft tall 2ft wide plank of black-painted wood. I felt like I was back in college again, at least 5 times last night.

One moment was as I sketched on the wood, another as I was wiping away eraser shavings, another as I took a break and watched some YouTube videos, another while I took a shower at 5:30am, and another when I landed on my bed in the unconscious realm. They were not good feelings. I kept asking myself, “Why did I do this? Again?” Then I would ignore my interrogation officer and get back to work or refocus on whatever line I was dragging out.

Despite all of the feeling-like-a-college-kid-on-the-verge-of-dropping-out-edness, one small answer would find its way to my ears: I’m different. Sure, I’ve been procrastinating, I pulled an all-nighter, and I fell asleep before completing the project I was pulling the all-nighter for in the first place, but I’m different. The circumstances are different as well. In college, I would have been up while this side of the earth slept, but it would have been the night before the project was due. I’m turning this one in early. This is a big deal. Not only am I turning it in early, oh no! I’m turning it in so that it doesn’t affect the rest of my commitments for the week! Which is only going to the gym, but it’s important! It’s week 9 of going consistently! I’m down to the tail end of the week, so I don’t have any room for messing around.

I’ve only ever felt like I was back in college failing again one other time several months ago. It’s not enjoyable to feel like I haven’t changed. But thankfully, I know and believe I have grown up a little. It is taking a long time. Which is good. Because the world wouldn’t be able to handle the shear awesome that I am if it burst out of me all at once. There’s the cocky little Double G everyone knows and loves!

It is just very interesting to recognize a change within myself. And it is important we all recognize how we’ve grown. Otherwise we’ll be perpetually stuck in one place. And we all know how good it feels to stretch our legs. Who wouldn’t want to stretch their legs? They’re crazy. But not the good crazy.

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