On Borderline Personality Disorder and Forgiveness

Grace Young
Sep 3, 2018 · 2 min read

About two years ago, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD). After I got home, I looked up the symptoms, and suddenly everything made sense. BPD is characterized by wildly unstable moods, relationships, and behavior. Things that I had previously taken as normal — moods flipping from one moment to the next, seeing everything as totally good or totally bad, going from being 100% reliant on and trusting of someone (idealization) to being 100% distrusting and resentful (devaluation) after one incident, extreme fear of abandonment, distorted sense of self worth, impulsive behaviors, intense violence and anger problems — I now know aren’t normal. A good way I’ve heard BPD being described is not being able to “roll with the punches.” I am not a chill person, and the smallest thing can set me off. There is no cure and no medication, only management through therapy, and the prognosis is poor.

One of the hardest parts about living with BPD is that I constantly feel the need to explain myself and ask for forgiveness. Sure, my family and close friends who know that I mean well, but it haunts me to think about how many people I interact with who don’t understand this aspect of my personality, or how many people I may have hurt. I have thrown things at people, thrown things out the window, emptied out all the kitchen drawers and thrown everything at the walls. Only after I calm down, as I am filling in the holes that I have created in the floorboard and the walls, do I realize: I can be a real monster.

Because I cannot always ask for forgiveness and even when I can, I may not always receive it, I have come up with a different way. Instead, I’ve learned to give forgiveness. I’ve learned to see myself in others’ behavior — like my own sharp tongue or impulsion — and remind myself that like I, they are probably struggling too and trying to do better.

Because the people around me have given me so many free passes in my less-than-finest moments, everyone gets a free pass with me. I’ve never not forgiven someone when asked (and often without being asked), no matter how great the damage, no matter how long has elapsed.

I can’t help but wonder: What if we looked past each other’s faults and shortcomings, and only appreciated each other’s strengths and contributions?

Grace Young

Written by

from NYC/HK, @Harvard studying Mathematics, previously @Tribe Dynamics. lover of cats, semicolons, and flour