Living With the Ghost

I am just as guilty as the next person. I’ve been the giver and receiver of the Ghosting. But why though? Why has it become so difficult for the human race to articulate the feelings we are experiencing each day? Why are we not able to say, “Sorry but this isn’t working for me anymore and I feel it best we went on our own from this point forward”? Fear. Plain and simple fear.

We are so afraid of hurting each others feelings that we do far worse damage by avoiding them completely. Scientist John Howard, in 1777, created a study on the effects of silence and solitude as a punishment for prisoners, however the conclusion of this study found that it was very damaging to the health of prisoners. Several went mad under the strictest regimes of isolation. And yet, we continue that exact same practice.

Avoiding phone calls, avoiding text messages, standing-up your date, or going on that date and then just never calling again. No reason, no rhyme, just POOF!! Gone girl. Ghosting is a disgusting habit like nose picking or farting in public. People see you do it and it leaves a lasting impression on the type of person you chose to be. Friends, lovers and even family members are witness to these acts of illusions and are only able to offer the usual, “There are other fish in the sea” or “If he didn’t text you back then he wasn’t worth your time”. All not helpful in the least.

So what can you do? How do you live with your ghosts without going mad? Dating is hard and all relationships take work. I am far from an expert and I dare say there are few ghosts even I can’t give up, but here are a few tips that have helped me move on with my life while not being left with a feeling that I was the “problem”.

Everything is Temporary

Spirituality has been a cornerstone of my sanity. I am Buddhist, though I was raised Catholic. I personally believe that our souls are passing through life with lessons we have yet to learn and every person and thing we interact with teaches the needed lessons to move onto the next. Obviously very generalized, but it helps me to remember that not everyone is going to “stick around” and most of the time, when they leave, it’s actually a good thing for you. Try remember that when the pain is almost unbearable and you are crying into your nachos as 3am to your best friends. These people that ghosted you were just temporary, and so you don’t have to go through it again, did you learn your lesson this time around? Look back on that relationship with honest eyes and see all the signs you tried to ignore before and find the lessons you were being taught (Never force a relationship, never chase a person, don’t slander others, ETC…) The lessons are real and sometimes it does take more than one relationship to learn that lesson and that’s okay, as long as the lesson is learned.

Ghosting is Your Excuse to be Selfish

I have already, on many occasions, admitted to being the most selfish person on the planet. So when you all of a sudden come up on “free time” because ghosting came to call, snatch that time up and give it all back to you. Take that long hot bubble bath with candles and wine. Take yourself out to dinner or a movie. Just because they didn’t want to go with you doesn’t mean you have to eat poorly. Get that facial and massage. Walking out of that hot stone treatment alone will remind you why “ME TIME” is better than sitting around being a sad bastard listening to over forty pop radio. No one needs a remake of Bridget Jones, and I think we can all agree that the third movie should have been avoided completely.

Date on Your Own Terms

Part of the issues with Ghosting is the feeling of loss of control. You no longer have control of a situation and it’s terrifying. You no longer have a say if they answer or even read the text messages you send and the feeling is degrading. So take the power back. Learn about yourself so you can start dating on your own terms. What is it that you are looking for in your potential partners? How are these people adding to your life? Are the people in your life giving or stealing your energy? Learning what your own needs are will allow for you to date smarter and also allows for you to see that those “cracks” or “flaws” that you thought caused the ghosting were really just pieces of you needing love and affirmation that they beautiful just like the rest of you.

Gratitude is Everything

Remember the good. I mean that for all of it. Remember that you were with this person for a reason. It may have gone south at some point but before the ghosting began, you liked them. Hell you might have even loved them. And that’s okay. Forgive yourself for loving or liking them. It wasn’t a bad thing, it just wasn’t a forever thing either. See them for who and what they are (a ghoster) but also remember that it wasn’t always bad. Take that moment of hurt and turn it back into gratitude for you and remind yourself of what beautiful and strong spirit you are. You had a great life before they were in it and you still have an amazing life even if they choose to not be a part of it. I know it’s difficult not having them included, and the void will be real. But new laughters, new friends, new soul mates will come. They always do. And in the mean time, there is always you.

Love your friends that choose you, embrace your family that shelters and feeds you, and always bring the circle back to you. Life is always going to be a series of comings and goings. You haven’t met even half the people you will experience in a lifetime. And over half of the people that you have met, you no longer speak to or bother to see. So the next time someone so graciously ghosts you, be sure to send that “Thanks for the lovely send off” text, then bring it back round to you. Maybe they didn’t see what a Unicorn in the wild you really are, but then again you didn’t see that they were a classless knob with no communication skills. We all make mistakes.