In Favor of Lady Doritos.

Marketing Tips for PepsiCo

Today I burped in a meeting at my first day of work. It was horrible. That’s how I feel every time I eat a bag of Doritos in public. I really, really, really, really, really hate eating Doritos in public. Like, a lot. The sweet synthetic nacho dust chips crunch too loud.

But — it was recently speculated that Doritos wanted to make a quieter chip.

Indra Nooyi, chief executive of PepsiCo called them: the Lady Dorito in an episode of “Freakonomics Radio.”

Ok, I get it. It’s not what Susan B. Anthony would have wanted…

…but she was a also a racist so let’s move on.

Twitter was pretty angry about the whole thing:

This was very funny and my favorite backlash.

This impassioned person even made a video:

I’m not saying that this isn’t totally sexist or tone-deaf, it is — but it’s also, as most things are, a case of really bad marketing. I would argue that the Lady-Dorito was likely invented out of consumer data trends, meaning that it’s what the people want. In a popular-vote kind of way.

Women in Canada say NO.

Luckily for the women in Canada — it turns out the Lady Doritos aren’t even real. Which was a big disappointment to me.

I’ll say it:

I. Want. The. Lady. Dorito.

If PepsiCo decides to move forward with this incredible idea in spite of the criticism —I am here to offer them 10 suggestions on how they might market the Lady Dorito, should they chose to create it, without forcing Alice Paul out of her grave. (Since PepsiCo has become infamous for marketing failures.)

  1. Library Doritos.

2. Meeting Doritos.

3. Shower Doritos. (because it’s weird if people know you’re eating in the shower).

4. Opera Doritos.

5. Alternatively, Play Doritos.

6. Church Doritos.

7. Man Doritos. (make men chew quieter because they’re disgustingly loud)

8. Doritos for bed.

9. LSat Doritos.

10. Funeral Doritos: comfort food edition.