“I Got You”
I’ve always been, and still am very much a “good girl” but…no longer at the
sacrifice of mySELF. This year, my 39th (gulp!) year, I declared I would own it. Well, that hasn’t gone exactly as I had planned and that’s OK. I am growing and learning and I can absolutely feel myself transitioning from a “good girl” into the “free woman” I need to be to take on the next chapter of my life.
I started putting out this term on my page “SELFish B” (I mean, I don’t know if I started it…but I’ve been using it A LOT as it resonates with me. I am even launching a workshop around the concept so…there you go) The whole premise is to love yourSELF (with SELF being strongly emphasized). The premise of this is to not feel guilt for putting your needs, wants, and dreams first for a change. For not being “such a good girl” all the time and doing what is expected of you, following all the rules, explaining yourself, saying “I’m sorry” when seriously?! What the hell are you even sorry for? How many times do I say that when it’s just a filler and I am NOT sorry at all. I am not afraid to appropriately (note that I use the word appropriately because I am not saying here that I am going to go off and become a complete rebel or anything) question the status quo if I don’t agree with it. So as I am quickly approaching the next frontier of my life, I am really trying to get myself in a good place about it. I guess you could say, I am growing up… I kind of feel like I am going through some kind of weird second puberty or something for mid-adulthood. Adulting is so freaking hard! It’s confusing as all hell. Lately it seems like everything I once liked or didn’t like has changed. I am so ready to stop the madness and start putting myself first. To not answer to everyone else’s expectations of me that don’t fit with who I am.
So yeah….I’m ready to be a SELFish B…No guilt. And none needed. Who I want to be…I am becoming…so the question is…now what?
Which brings me to this. I couldn’t sleep last night and started thinking, I really want my forties to be f*cking amazing. As I sat in bed awake last night I got really sad thinking about my thirties, I felt myself just crack wide open and let my emotions flow. I didn’t feel sad because my thirties are coming to an end, but because I spent so much of them stressed out and worrying. Wishing I was thinner, richer, smarter, etc. Anything to feel that sense of validation — guess what? It never came. I spent much of those years hoping to be liked by others, trying to please others-and now I realize that for some of them, that was just a waste of my time. I mostly overextended myself at my own expense. Not that what we do is always because we want something back, that isn’t what I am saying here at all — but when you are obviously not getting a reciprocal of any sort back in whatever relationship or exchange that is taking place, you have to at some point take a step back and say — yeah, eff this I think I am all set. I now realize that I was going to be liked whether I tried or not by the right people in my life, regardless. That is precisely how relationships should work — with ease.
So you know what, I realize that the only person I am truly sorry to is me….I apologize to myself, my 30-something year old worried-stressed out-people-pleasing-overachieving-self-criticizing self. And I assured myself this: for the rest of my days…”I Got You”…
As I gear up for the next chapter, I have made some promises to myself:
*I will not deprive myself from genuine love, food, feeling what I want to feel, or bad mindless TV (don’t judge)
*I will stick up for myself and I will not be underestimated.
*I will declutter my space and my mind of toxicity.
*I will not compare myself to the illusions posted on my Facebook feed.
*I will take pictures with my kids because they don’t nearly have enough.
*I will not over give of myself and set myself up for thankless disappointment.
*I will enjoy time in the present moment and cherish the little intangibles.
*I will love myself. It may not always be a cake walk, but I will unconditionally love me.
Listen, before I know it, I will be writing a post about how (God willing) I will be lying wide awake some night and approaching 50…and I’ll be damned if I am not writing about all the crazy amazing shit I did in my forties! I will have NO regrets and will be overflowing that page if I have anything to say about it.
This SELFish B has bigger and better things to do….and so should YOU.