Of Time and Talent
It’s been an incredibly long time since I’ve written my thoughts down. Boo. List item of Create an Active Blog is not going so well. But as I sit here this rainy Monday evening and mindlessly skim through Pinterest, I came across a Pin that listed the ten things I should tell my daughter before she turns 10. Intrigued, I read the blog. Bad idea. The 10 things this author suggested I tell my daughter were not really that profound but it did open up a windfall of worries, concerns, fears, realizations, urgencies, and utter panic for me. Well done unassuming author. My mind is flooded with emotions I’m not mentally or physically prepared to handle. You see, I have a 9-year-old daughter so this is highly sensitive for me.
The overwhelming feeling I have at the moment is shear fear. I cannot believe that my first born will be 10 years old in less than a year. Unreal. I mean truly, it’s so surreal to me right now. How did half of her childhood pass by already? I’m paralyzed with the fear of what I haven’t taught her yet. Visions of what I hope and dream for her are crashing into the reality that I haven’t prepared her fully or even partially to take on her world. It feels as though we’ve just been floating along, not paying any attention to detail and certainly not living intentionally. Honestly, I don’t even know how to live intentionally nor how to motivate a soon-to-be-tween how to live her life intentionally. There are days we just go through the motions of life. What a waste! I’m losing precious time to be able to truly make an impact on her before the tween and teen hormones kick in and I’m no longer significant. The ideals and principals I want her to stand on aren’t being taught. She hasn’t learned how to show love, how to give love, how critical our family bond is. Her moral convictions aren’t in place yet. No one has taught her how to stand up for herself or how to stand up for someone else amidst peer turmoil. She hasn’t found a passion yet; she hasn’t be able to show off her passion or learned to be proud of something major she’s accomplished. We haven’t shown her how to create something out of just her imagination that is more significant than a school art project. True she has been taught some responsibility for her actions, but she certainly can’t be counted on to make “the right choices” when mommy and daddy aren’t in sight (and I’m talking basics here…..we can’t trust her to not drink a soda when she’s at a playdate or to not try and sneak a snack purchase from the school cafeteria after MULTIPLE conversations/consequences at home). There is no sense of determination or independent goal setting/accomplishment. She hates homework, dislikes reading, in no way is motivated to meet even status quo in relation to school work, and thinks about herself more than anything else. Materialistic desires control her every thought. AND IT’S ENTIRELY MY FAULT!!
(Note: I’m truly panicking as I write this. My heart is pounding so much and the tears are flowing. How could I have failed this miserably? How could I let this happen to my precious daughter? Did I focus more on my career and making financial ends meet that I missed the most important role EVER? How do people know how to teach their kids these things? Am I an epic failure as a mother? I’m REALLY NOT looking for any sympathy here; I am blaming myself for a total failure at the subject of motherhood and it’s my daughter that will take the hit.)
Of course, I think my daughter is a great kid. But that’s easy to say if you look at the surface level of life: she makes good grades, doesn’t get in trouble at school, she has friends and makes friends easily, can read and write. That’s what I mean when I say we are just floating along. I’ve allowed her to just “get through” life. What upsets me the most is that I see the vision of what I want her to be and what I know she is totally capable of. Yet, I have done the bare minimum to allow her the opportunity to become that person. What frustrates me the most is even now as I write this, I have NO IDEA how to start down the correct parenting path. I have my philosophies on parenting that my husband and I struggle through as best as we can. We believe in love, respect, selflessness, responsibility for your actions, and humor. However, our inconsistency in how we run the daily teachable moments of life is embarrassing. We’ll read a book and be on a roll for about a month then slowly fade back into our old standby personas. Our intentions are pure. Our follow through is pathetic. THIS is what has caused my failure as a mother to equip my almost-10-year-old with the fundamental skills and traits she needs to be a success in life.
I love all of our kids so much! I see the potential in each of them to be amazing people. Not just people that accomplish amazing things, though I absolutely believe they can do that too. More importantly, the potential to be people whose hearts are full of love for Jesus, full of love for others, and full of self-worth (not self-esteem)that they have the confidence to be the generous, self-less people that they were created to be. But how do I help them realize this? Clearly, it’s baby steps. Teach one fundamental at a time, right? How do you know where to start? Which principal? What tools do I use? What words are the most effective? What actions do they need to see or do? Where do I find the teachable moments? What exactly do I say in those teachable moments? And how fast can I do ALL of this because time is marching on and we are way behind…..
