Settle down, settle down. I’m exhausted. Without the stimulation Twitter provides, I can only stay awake for six minutes at a time, so let’s make this quick.
The will of the people has spoken, and then, after it spoke, my protestors spoke louder. I never believed I’d be standing here in front of you today, taking the Oath of Office, continuing my tenure as president. You see, by around March of this year, it seemed as though my attempts to rig the election would be brought to a very unfair halt, and so, I practically gave up.
I know I said we could have an orderly transition, but what I meant to add was that I don’t know what “orderly” means, so when that newsman with the weird hair asked me, I said “yes.” It’s easier to say “yes” than to say “no,” I’ve learned as president. That’s why I only reserved my no’s for important questions, like when Dr. Fauci asked if I’d tell the American public to wear masks. …
A lot of very stupid start-up companies get funded. So why not add a few more in 2021? You may think no one needs another startup, but that’s not true — startups need startups.
Read on for a few more abstract companies to support existing ones.
You have Postmates, Grubhub, Uber Eats, and Caviar, but here’s the real question: How do you navigate all of them on your phone? That’s exactly why we need AppDelivr, an app you can click on to get the delivery apps.
It’s like the App Store, but only for 12. …
Happy New Year! The year 2021 could be the year you get the Covid-19 vaccine or the year you get Covid. Or both! Or neither. Either way, it’s not going to be a perfect year. It will likely start with shutdowns, and in the middle there will probably be some shutdowns. At the end, there might not be any additional shutdowns, but I wouldn’t rule out the possibility. Still, let’s look on the bright side. There must be at least a few things to look forward to.
The best thing about 2020 is that we all had a perfect excuse for not actualizing any of our New Year’s resolutions. I got a head start, in fact, by dropping all of mine by the end of January, long before shutdowns set in.
However, if you’re someone who stays committed to keeping the resolutions going every year, you may find that sometimes, you take one step forward and two steps back (which reminds me of my 2018 resolution: Learn to waltz).
Here are a few resolutions I’m making this year to cancel out the negative effects of the ones in the past. …
I think we may have reached the point in quarantine where it’s okay to stop appending the word “Zoom” in front of every activity that’s been moved to Zoom — we’ve all been through it enough. We did the Zoomsgiving and the Zoom-o-ween and the Zoomy-fifth-Birthday (it was my 35th birthday, ambiguously defined so some would believe it was my 25th birthday).
However, if you’re not traveling home for the holidays this year (and I hope you’ll consider staying put, given the rise in cases), you may find yourself celebrating the holidays over good ol’ Zoom.
To make things a bit more fun for you, we’ve created the following bingo card (/drinking game). …
Ladies — girls — kiddos. Sit down for a moment. The way you’re acting is embarrassing and unprofessional for reasons I don’t have time to explain, because I haven’t thought of them yet. I, Joseph Epstein — an eightysomething white dude no one cares about — already gave Sweetie Pie Jill Biden some advice that went over very well, so I’m back to shell some out to the rest of you “professional women.” You’re welcome!
There’s been great talk about the hope and promise of a Covid-19 vaccine. Finally, our global nightmare will come to an end. Er — this global nightmare (there are some other good ones waiting in the wings, I hear). I obviously support giving the first batches of the vaccine to frontline workers and vulnerable populations. After that, though, I believe we need a logical way to continue to rank the population to figure out who gets the vaccine when.
To make matters simpler, I’ve provided a rank-order list of my exes. If everyone could just do the same, I’m sure some computer scientist could figure out an efficient way to combine all this information. …
We get it, you’re “woke” (I saw you RT Bernie Sanders… twice). As such, you’ve probably been boycotting Uber because of Prop 22. Well, I have bad news for you. This week, Uber acquired Postmates, which means you’re going to need an alternative way to get food. I have other bad news for you, which is that if you’re boycotting Uber because of how they treat their workers, Postmates isn’t exactly the Bernie campaign.
Still, fear not: While hard to remember, there actually are ways to get food that doesn’t involve a below-minimum-wage-gig-worker-without-health-care driving it to your home.
If you’re willing to go to the grocery store, why stop there? It’s a bit hypocritical that you’ll go get food to live with a mask on but don’t support your city opening up indoor dining again. How does that make sense?
The rules just feel arbitrary. If you go to the grocery store, why not take public transit? …
Ding dong, the witch is dead. Nothing was funny about Trump’s disastrous administration (okay, that Four Seasons snafu was a little funny, and so were a bunch of other things), but overall, it was a dumpster fire that we really wish we’d completely avoided.
The day Joe Biden and Kamala Harris were declared the winners, I saw the word “relief” float around Twitter more frequently than in a Miralax commercial. Speaking of Twitter, if we want a complete catalog of Trump’s insanity, we need to look no further than his most absurd tweets.
I wonder if he ever considered zooming out a little on his avatar. Until I get answers on that, read on for a translation of his most chaotic thoughts throughout his thankfully nearly finished term. …