The state I’m in

I’m not great at sharing these things. I could blame it on my southern upbringing and the “be a man” mentality or the social taboo of admitting any sort of mental or emotional issues but in truth I’m probably just afraid of being judged. Of being that person everyone avoids because they’re a buzzkill or thought to be fragile. The truth is, I’m struggling. Its no secret to anyone that’s followed me for any period of time that I have my bouts of self-loathing and depression but I generally try to temper my statements or keep them in check as much as possible but I’ve really been worn down recently.

Nearly 8 years ago I lost someone very dear to me in a tragic accident and it set me on a dark path for a number of years. I was beside myself and full of hate at the world so I pushed aside everything and everyone and moved off to be away from humanity. The time away from civilization was challenging and lonely but it did help. Time with nature let me see some of the beauty in things and with a ton of self-reflection I was able to claw my way back into the light for a time. Since then its been a never-ending battle of good days and bad days (sometimes weeks) but I’ve always managed to work through it. What worries me is that these bouts of depression have become more frequent again and I feel such soul-crushing loneliness.

Some of you know that this past week I was hospitalized. I went in to the ER after a horrific night of excruciating pain from kidney stones and while I was being looked over, they found some issues with my heart. I was admitted to the hospital so that they could monitor me as there was a large amount of blood pooling and a sizable risk of a stroke or worse. What I didn’t share with anyone is that I was secretly hoping my time had come and I would die in that hospital. Now I would never take my own life but I have no issue with passing when its my time. As much as I’ve considered suicide in the past and as much as I’ve wanted it to be over I know what it would do to my family and I love them far to much to ever put them through that pain. I know this unequivocally. But this is where I find myself, depressed that I lived. How incredibly fucked up is that?

I’m not sharing all of this for pity or personal attention but in hopes that it sheds some light on just how much depression can twist your mind and put you at odds with rationality. I know I have plenty of other things to be thankful for and that there are probably a few people who genuinely care about me…does that matter to depression? Not a chance. It tells me I’m fat and ugly. That I’m a burden to everyone around me and devoid of any skills. It tells me that I deserve to be alone and that being with anyone would be unfair to them. The girl I have a crush on? I’ll probably never tell her as much because the self-loathing tells me that I’ll never make her happy and that’s all I really want for her. Past relationships? I’ve blown those all to bits and ruined some good friendships for the same reasons…I can’t stand the thought of sentencing them to a lifetime with me.

So that’s it…that’s the intro course on my fucked up mind and why I’m such a miserable person to be around. If you’re going through something of your own, try to get help if you can…this is a tough road and far too treacherous to walk alone. If you’re one of those lucky people that’s all well adjusted, be kind to those around you and try to reach out and make connections with people from time to time. You never know what simple kindness will help.