How to kill the online dating game and find the man of your dreams or something like it
Didn’t secure your boo in 2018?
The year of crappy dating (or so I was told)?
Well, to be fair, my friends told me it had been crappy for years.
But anyways…
Entering 2019 solo?
Riding down these single streets?
These cold, “wyd,” “hey beautiful,” “gorgeous,” “good morning” streets?
You’re busy and don’t have a lot of time to actually go out and meet guys?
Let’s jump into some dating apps!
Don’t panic, it’s the way of life now.
And I’ve tested and learned a few things, and I’m here to report my findings and share some tips.
I signed up with Tinder, OkCupid, Bumble, Hinge, Match.com, and The League.
I uploaded great pics, came up with a quirky fun bio and went to work.
I instantly started getting matches and messages.
The men were respectful, conversation was poppin,’ and I was actually having fun.
My friends and I would meet up to share stories about the men we’d met and the dates we’d been on. But there seemed to be some differences in the men we were meeting.
We lived in the same city and had access to the same pool of men on the same dating apps, but our experiences differed greatly.
That’s when I discovered that I had a set of rules that I followed and adopted very early on.
Rules that I thought everyone followed.
Apparently not.
So here I am sharing these tips with you in hopes of helping you meet your dream guy (I hear that it can happen) or something like it.
Brace yourself, if you think it’s bad — I’m not telling you it’s not.
Now let’s begin with the dating apps (in order of my favorites).
Dating Apps
Tinder
While this app gets a bad rep from the many people I asked when I was first considering joining, it is by far my favorite.
What were the complaints?
“Tinder is for people who only want to hook up.”
Hmmm…that was funny considering they were also on it too, but they were not just looking for a hookup.
Ehh, ok.
So, here’s the deal, just like some people can go to school and take it seriously and come out prepared to conquer the world, and some go in and come out not obtaining anything — dating sites are what you make of it.
Are there people who only want to hook up? Of course. But if that is not what you’re looking for, it has nothing to do with you, keep it moving.
And if you are only looking for a hookup, keep it safe and do you.
Tinder is very popular. In fact, I saw a lot of people that were on other dating apps, swiping on Tinder. So I pretty much ended up spending most of my time there.
I found it to be the most user friendly. I love the Super Like feature, although I never used it, I understand the concept (especially with an online dating world that has become one big playground).
Hinge
Although I didn’t use Hinge a lot (because I spent most of my time on Tinder), it would still have to be my second favorite because I love the fact that members have to fill out their prompts to submit their profile.
Say goodbye to blank about me sections!
This is not to say everyone fills it out with exciting icebreakers, but with Hinge the premise is to help jump start conversations, whether it’s to comment on a photo or to comment on a funny answer to a prompt.
When it comes to assisting with communication on dating apps, which is super important in making quality connections, Hinge has the right idea.
Bumble
Bumble gets third place.
As a woman, I like the idea that I get to choose and start conversations with who I want.
I sometimes swipe while drinking so I don’t always make the best decisions. With Bumble my poor choices do not have to haunt me forever.
*Gasp* the dreaded first move. Never been an issue for me, I view it as a green light. Men need green lights to know it is okay to approach women, so Bumble makes that happen.
After you match with a guy, you have 24 hours to message him. He then has 24 hours to respond to you. If none of this takes place, the connection expires after 24 hours. This is another excellent feature in the world of dating apps.
However, I didn’t like the short bio section, and I didn’t find this app super user friendly. And even though yellow is one of my favorite colors, it was just too much on my screen.
OKCupid
Meh. Need an entirely new design.
Match.com
I left this after about a week. I hated the design and didn’t find it user friendly at all.
The League
What’s up?! I’m still on a waiting list! What gives?
There are many more dating apps, but these were the ones I tried out. We may not share the same experiences so I recommend trying as many of them as you can and then figure out what works best for you.
Ok now let’s get to the reason why you are really here.
To find the man of your dreams…or something like it.
Profile
Profile Pictures
Alright ladies, this is the time to put your best foot forward. We need to spruce up those profiles.
Did you know that you can actually upload, rearrange and change your pictures on your dating apps?
Uhhhhh, duh!
Ok. Hold up. I only asked because I come across many who don’t.
Many people sign up on dating apps, using their Facebook account, which automatically uploads the first couple pictures on their account to their dating profile.
And they don’t go back to make changes.
Think about it, how many times have you come across a man’s profile and say to yourself, why the hell would you have that selfie with a view of the inside of your nostrils on here? Why is this picture so grainy or blurry? Why is your first image a group photo and now I don’t even know which one you are? Ugh too much work, swipe left.
Maybe you meant to go back and fix it. But you didn’t, and now people are left wondering WTF.
You can go back and remove pictures, add other images, and rearrange the order of photos.
So, do that.
Let’s get some nice clear current pictures and cut down on the filters.
Profile Bios
Put some time into creating a bio that really shows your personality and humor. An icebreaker and easy conversation starter.
Not a whole book. Just something catchy and witty. This makes it easy for anyone to message you as you have already given them an in.
So, if he messages you with something boring or just focusing on your looks, you already know that 1) he probably didn’t take the time to read anything about you or 2) he did, and he just doesn’t care enough to come up with a response to engage you and keep the conversation going. Either way, not a good look.
I always add a Call to Action (CTA) at the end of every profile. In marketing CTA is an instruction to an audience designed to provoke an immediate response. CTAs are a great way to get your audience to respond to a service or product you’re offering by prompting them to take some kind of action, be it, buy it, try it, sign up for it, and so on.
CTAs work really well on dating apps as well because it helps elicit an immediate response in your target who will message you and start a conversation that doesn’t involve “wyd.”
An example I used with a client: “I work with mentally unstable people. Clearly, I’m glutton for punishment. Send help.”
“Send help” is the CTA. Again, this is strategic. Make it a fun and let’s see if they can follow direction.
By the way, that client met multiple men who actually responded with advice on what she could do about her work situation. She went on multiple dates and is now in a wonderful relationship (all in 1 month).
Do not, under any circumstances, leave your profile blank. It doesn’t communicate that you’re vested. No one wants to waste time on someone who is not interested. Do you? Even, if you’re just looking for a hookup, you should still put in a little work. Show some pizazz. Get a quality hook up because no one wants a boring lay.
So let’s liven up those profiles!
Ok, so we are progressing nicely.
Doesn’t sound too hard right?
Right!
Let’s go!
You got the bomb pictures and the bomb bios, and now we are swiping.
Swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, swipe left (oh, damn, I meant to swipe right on that, shitttt), swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, oooooooooh swipe right…..
Sounds familiar?
I met someone who told me they swipe right on everyone just to see how many people they match with, and his head got bigger as the number of matches climbed up.
So repeat after me, “I. Do. Not. Have. To. Swipe. Right. On. Every. One.”
Here are the accounts you need to swipe left on though, and why.
Note: if you are looking to stroke your ego, collect e-friends, and find out after ten years that you’ve been catfished, skip these rules.
Swipe Left
1. Nothing in about me section
I don’t care how cute or fine he is. Swipe left.
Men like to show what they got. But, this dude isn’t even trying. Like he straight up just doesn’t care. He’s the handsome man with the chiseled pecks licking his lips LL Cool J style and thinks that’s all it takes to get you. Let it go. If he wanted to put his best foot forward, he’d at least say “I like to try new things,” and “no drama.” I mean it’s basic, but still.
2. I like to travel and positive vibes only
Alright, at least this one is trying to get you to bite by telling you he likes to travel (even though all of his pictures are of him in the gym or with his friends in nightclubs). And he only wants positive vibes only (I’m still trying to figure out if ”positive vibes only” people exist on Earth or some alternate universe). You think he’s better than “nothing in about me section” dude, but he’s really not. Mr. Basic is not even saying anything remotely interesting to set himself apart from the other contenders. I swear everyone loves to travel and want positive vibes only (while also being toxic).
3. Just ask me, or I prefer you ask me or any variation of this in about me section
See number 1. Chances are this dude has nothing to say, and when you ask him a question, he’ll give you one-word responses.
4. Pictures with other women in profile
I don’t care if it’s his sister or mom. And if it is why? Am I the only one protective of my family on social media, let alone dating apps?
Look any serious person on a dating app is not going to put a picture of a woman in his profile to confuse other women he wants to meet. Now I gotta sit here playing chess, trying to figure out if you’re a couple looking for a unicorn, if you have a woman in your life that is either your wife, girlfriend, thinks she’s your girlfriend or any variation. It is just tacky, and we are not bringing tacky into 2019.
5. Pictures with kids
Antoine Dodson told us to “hide your kids, hide your wife.” Ok, in this case, he shouldn’t hide his wife. But for why? Why is he plastering a kid on a dating site? I don’t care if it’s not his, kids need to be protected and putting their pictures on a dating site is questionable.
6. One profile picture
Just say no.
7. Group pictures
He’s the unattractive one. On second thought, I may swipe right just to ask him about his fine friend.
8. Horrible pictures
Again, this dude doesn’t care. He should have taken the time to add some clear pictures to help sell himself. Yes, we are selling ourselves on dating apps. And we are saying no to catfishing in 2019. I want full body pics as well as close ups.
9. Middle finger in picture
*Checks calendar* just making sure that we are approaching 2019.
10. Profile name is cum69, horny4u or anything else along those lines
Seriously, does this really work?
11. Uses eye instead of I, overstand instead of understand, he’s a king looking for a queen
I’m at number eleven now, and I think I’ll just stick to my toys.
12. Too many gym pics or talking about how he’s a gym rat and looking for a gym buddy
They are the worse. Not going to write a paragraph about that.
13. Shirtless pics and he’s not at the beach
Dude.
14. Ask you to follow him on IG
Dude.
15. Filters
Why?
16. Emojis
1 or 2? Ok. But we’re grown; use your words. I’ve seen about me sections with only emojis. If I have to decipher what your emojis mean, I’m swiping left. Too much work.
17. A list of everything he does not want
This dude tells you all the things he hates about you females. He lays it all out. All of it. Oh, but he’s just being honest. Nah, that male is jaded, and he’s going to #wasteyourtime2019.
18. I’m only here for the laughs
LOL seriously, what else do you need to understand that this dude is not to be taken seriously? Unless you are also on here for the laughs and giggles, keep it moving.
19. People in general that you’re not interested in
This goes without saying. Don’t waste people’s time. If you just can’t quite put words on it, swipe left. If he doesn’t meet your physical qualifications, swipe left. Teeth hidden or just ain’t right, swipe left. Hiding the cone head under hats, swipe left. Spotty, unkempt beards, swipe left. Whatever it is that you’re not interested in, swipe left. No need to swipe right and then avoid having a conversation with someone.
Now we come to the sad part where I tell you that you’ve probably swipe left on the majority of the men on those dating apps. Like the majority. I would venture to say at least 80% or more.
Luckily, there’s still hope.
Now go ahead and swipe right and let’s get the party started.
You got some matches. You’ve brushed up on your conversation game. You’re ready to go.
You get a match. You get a match. You get a match. We all get a match.
Did you know that there’s a little unmatch button?
I can’t tell you how many people do not use this awesome feature. It is my favorite feature in the entire history of dating apps.
Like wait, we match but we not tied at the hips? Yasssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss *clears throat*
So, when do you use this godsend button?
I have a very particular set of rules. Rules I have acquired over multiple online dating experiences. Rules that will bring results to people like you. If you follow them, that will be the end of your headaches. You will find much higher success, and that will be the end of your online dating woes. But if you don’t, you will fail, you will have to keep looking, and you will die.
Ok? So, never be afraid to unmatch.
You’ve done everything right up to this point, but some men will slide through the cracks, and that’s ok. Don’t take it personal. It has nothing to do with you. This is why the unmatch button exists.
Let’s get ready to unmatch!
Unmatch
Unmatch if he doesn’t initiate a conversation after 24 hours
If he’s on the dating app swiping and matches with you but doesn’t send you a message immediately, he may just be busy and will get back to you. I don’t always message everyone as soon as I match with them. But after 24 hours? Not a peep? Why you swiping if you’re not going to make the time to send a quick hi. He’s not excited about you and we ain’t dating unexcited men in 2019.
Here’s my rule, if I swipe right and we immediately match, I’m aware that you liked me first, so, within 24 hours, I will send a quick hi to start a conversation. If I swipe right first and then later on we match, then it is on you to send me a message. Give him 24 hours and no more.
This is to ensure that he is really interested in dating and getting to know you and not looking to waste your time. Tinder and Bumble both understand this. Excited people want you to know they like you and they are ready to start a conversation and plan dates with you. If they are not enthusiastic about you, they will drag their feet, and when they have nothing better to do, here they come with, “hey big head.”
“Oh, but he swiped right, he is excited about me!”
How sway?!?!
Plenty of people swipe right on people just because they’re bored. See, “I’m only here for the laughs” dude. Many people are lazy and don’t want to put in the work of being in a relationship. We know this, we’ve been in relationships with them before.
If he’s not excited, if you’re not thrilled, you just got a new text buddy for the next 2 weeks. We don’t want to do this in 2019 either.
What if he’s just busy?
What does that have to do with you? He’s on a dating app. I’m assuming he wants to date. Dating requires making time. If he doesn’t have time to date, he need not be swiping.
Plus, why are you making excuses for a dude you don’t even know?
Here’s how Tinder and Bumble get this right.
Super Like
When you Super Like someone on Tinder, they are notified that someone has Super Liked them. When they come across your profile, they will know it’s you by the bright blue border and star highlight around your profile. From there they can decide to swipe right or left. Either way, they definitely know that they stood out to you.
All Tinder users can send one free Super Like every day. Tinder Plus and Tinder Gold members can send up to five Super Likes every day. So, if someone uses their Super Like on you, it’s kind of a big deal.
Tinder boast that a person who uses the Super Like button is three times more likely to get a match and have more extended conversations on the app.
If someone Super Likes you and you both match, I can see how that elicits some excitement that would make you have better conversations and maybe even a connection that leads to a date. However, I don’t think it necessarily means you’ll get a match. Many people swipe left on people who Super Like them.
I don’t use Super Like myself because with the limited info on dating profiles, I don’t know enough to “super like” anyone. But hey, when you know, you know right?!
Expired Connection
Only women can start a conversation on Bumble unless it’s the same sex. In that case, either subscriber can send the first message. But the first contact must be made within 24 hours, or the connection will expire. If the recipient doesn’t respond within 24 hours, the link will also expire.
Why I love this feature? Once again, if you’re excited about getting to know someone, you will want to connect with them as soon as possible, and if you don’t, you’ll drag your feet. Dragging feet are infuriating. I can still hear my mom yelling at me when I was younger to pick mine up when walking. And till this day I always judge people who drag theirs. Ugh.
Unmatch if he disappears and doesn’t respond to your message after 24 hours
If someone is on a dating app and starts a conversation with you only to disappear without letting you know there’s going to be a delay in their response, and doesn’t respond in 24 hours, unmatch.
Since we are here — don’t leave anyone hanging during a conversation.
If you’re not going to be able to respond immediately after you’ve been having a conversation, be considerate and let the person know. I hate to have to say this, but with the influx of social media and text, we sometimes forget that there is a human being on the other end or maybe we just don’t care. Tell the person you’re are talking to that you will not be able to answer but that you’ll be back to continue the conversation another time. You do this for two reasons 1) it is the polite and courteous thing to do and 2) you show them how you want to be treated by treating them that way. If they don’t do the same, unmatch.
Unmatch if the conversation is uninspiring
If you have a really dope about me section, great pictures, and he messages you with some bland, soul-sucking message, unmatch. If it’s like pulling teeth getting him to respond, unmatch. Non-direct communication (beating around the bush) about what he wants, unmatch. Men no longer need your phone number to have access to you now. They use dating apps to build their roster of women so they can wake up and see which one (or two or three) bites when they send “good morning” texts.
Unmatch if he sends you good morning texts and hasn’t suggested a date
Dude, I’ve never met you, and somehow you wake up and think about me every morning, and send me “good morning beautiful” texts? He’s building up that roster hun, and you’re on there. Along with a bunch of other women.
Unmatch if no talk of planning or going on a date after 72 hours
It doesn’t take that long to know you’re vibin’ with someone and want to see them face to face to get to know them. Hell, I had a guy asked me out on a date within minutes of talking for the very same evening.
“Oh, but he just wants to hook up.”
Gosh, the things we tell ourselves to stop us from meeting people.
Every man wants to hook up. If you make the mistake of thinking one particular man doesn’t want to hook up, you’re lying to yourself.
I don’t care what that man wants. We don’t always get what we want. We are meeting in a public place, at a reasonable hour, preferably on a weekday, I’m driving my car, I’m texting my friends his name, phone number, tag, and sharing my location. Bloop!
What I am not going to do is sit on my phone texting back and forth with him for weeks only to find out that we are not compatible.
I could have been spending that time at a pottery class or something.
We are absolutely not doing this in 2019.
Seriously if you’re having a good conversation and the vibes are flowing, a man doesn’t need that long to progress to the meeting stages. I like men who are excited about me, excited men ask you out on dates and make plans.
Now I do understand that as women we have to be cautious and we have every reason to be. Can’t deny that. Do what makes you comfortable. Get in tune with your intuition and follow it. Every time I have not followed mine, it has bitten me in the ass. But, do the work of making sure you know how to differentiate between your fears and intuition. This is just a great tool for women in everyday life.
While we are it — do not give out your phone number until you have a date.
If there are no dating plans yet, why does he need your number? So you can move from one communication platform to another? So he can continue sending you hey beautiful messages for 2 weeks? So you can get attach and start feeling like he cares when he sends you “good morning” text? So when you’re on a date with someone who actually shows some interest your phone can blow up with text from someone who doesn’t?
Nah son, I’ll give you my number when we have a date (that includes time, date, place), and we’ll have a quick chat (my friend told me it’s important to hear their voices before going on a date, she gives good advice, so I listen to her). Plus, he’ll probably have to provide me with directions to our meeting place since I’m directionally challenged (yeah, yeah navigation systems are not always that great).
Unmatch if he says anything that you just don’t feel comfortable with
Whatever that is. Do not give him chances. You don’t know him yet, and you don’t owe him anything.
You’ve now eliminated a lot of men. You should now be left with the ones that are actively dating you by way of you guys going out and getting to know each other face to face (it will not be a lot, but quality beats quantity every time). This does not mean he’s the one or that you’re going to marry him. But it does mean you’re out meeting people and actually going on dates.
You may go on the first date and realize there’s no connection.
It happens.
You may date for a couple of months and then things fizzle.
It happens.
You may end up being in a long term relationship.
It happens.
Hell, you may end up getting married.
It happens.
But for now, you’re out, having fun, and dating. That is how you start getting to know someone. Not through excessive online messaging, not through “good morning” texts, and certainly not through two weeks of back and forth and no meetups.
Now have fun, go out on dates.
Bring out that sense of humor. Show your witty side. Be yourself. Relax. You just met this man, if he doesn’t like you, adios! But, be your funny, cool, sarcastic self.
It’s just a date.
And that is how you can kill this online dating game and maybe find the man of your dreams.
Update: I was approved for The League (I was feeling like Molly from Insecure for a hot minute).
More updates: Like a really hot minute because by the time I received the email, I was already in a relationship with a great guy I met on….you guessed it, Tinder.
