I wanted to come on here and proudly proclaim the insanity that was, CES this year. I was featured on MommyTechTV and MommyTechSummit, speaking about InnerVoice and my own personal branding philosophy. There I was at 1pm on January 8th to run through my segment, both excited and scared. I had been offered the opportunity to do the segments after me as well and with no preparation, I interviewed CEO’s, Vice Presidents and Owners. My mind was quick that day, I was ready. If I was only my mind, I would be everywhere. My body, my great fault, came with me that day, too.

I had been conscious about what I ate an how I presented myself months before. My gravity-gifted and vertically challenged 4'11 frame does not look good in pants. (Size 10/12 to be exact.) Yes, I’m not the svelte size 2 cheerleader I used to be, but my size 10, somehow turned into a size 80, on camera. When I sat, I slumped. When I spoke, my nose protruded past my face as a large warning of my Polish and Jewish descent. All I could see was nose and chin. So I looked deeper. I saw my thighs then, and arms. I felt as if I was looking at an imposter. I don’t FEEL like this in front of my mirror, even on my worst day. I don’t see these chins, or that weird nose angle. I love my nose in my profile photo. All I could see was skin, and I wanted to see bone. I couldn’t see who I FEEL LIKE, who I know I am, because I am so intently-fixated on a lie that is before my face.

I came upstairs to cry silently. I measured my body as I got out of the bath and ready for bed. The non-oversized towel still fits around me. My fingers still fit around my wrist. Both my middle fingers and thumbs fit around my neck. My arms aren’t puffy here. My face looks bright. My chins are hiding if I tilt my head ever so slightly to the left. My stomach is tucked in beneath the towel and my mind is wondering how I can possibly own and accept something I so desperately want to STOP seeing. I should have angled in front of the camera, (I know the tricks.) I forgot in a moment of distraction and there I am, full-on, without lies or tricks. There I AM.

I caps-locked my disgust over Facebook messenger with a dear friend and her girlfriend. Their soothing words were an ice pack to a very bruised ego. I perked up at one line and then sat, thinking the words over. “These are irrelevant details in comparison to what you have to say.” All I could think of after that was, “Yes.”

As a human being, I face criticism from myself and others. I often forget that while one poor media appearance is an unfortunate circumstance, the ultimate ownership lies within myself to recognize my key strength has never been my face, body or even my genes. It’s been my passion and voice. I can change my body, if that’s of lingering importance; I have that power. But I never, want to look so intently at the skin in front of me, that I can’t see the power within.