Building the Debt Star for Hillary’s Proposed Finance Bro Handjob Party

You know how college debt works: you decide the only responsible thing you can do is go to college. You’re motivated by a lot of things, like the desire to not be poor, an eagerness to make your parents proud, the fear of being left behind by your peers, and a lack of alternatives at 17 as to what the fuck you want to do with your life.

It’s not your fault.

When I was 17, I’m sure I did stupider things than decide to go to college.

So your parents helped you sign out some loans and you saddled yourself up with several decades of what seemed then a pittance compared to the absolutely reasonable salary expectations you, your parents, the bank and everyone upstanding and right in your community told you to expect to be earning after college.

And so, congratulations! You created a debt product.

Now, this was likely the first debt product in your name. You’ll create many more of them. Your credit card collects tiny debt products, helping you create a string of debt between big debt products such as college, car loans, and your first house. You might, if the banks are lucky, qualify to create big-ticket debt products as you pursue ever more specialized credentials in your quest to not be be poor as quite literally every possible job out there that isn’t flinging shit wants you to have some kind of certificate from some debt-powered credential factory.

By the time you’re 30, you’ll probably leave behind you a wake of debt products. If you’re lucky, you’ll have a career so lucrative you’ll be able to not only pay off these debt products, but take out even bigger ones down the road.

You’re playing your part in building the Debt Star of America, the symbolic gravity around which now our entire economy revolves.

That’s right. It’s been decades since America actually produced anything of value save our ability to create a steady stream of debt products for the finance industry.

Our entire culture is now structured around making sure each of us plays our part in shoveling debt coal into this fucker’s furnace or else it’ll fall apart and the empire falls.

I mean that with very little hyperbole.

The entire American regime hinges on the continual growth of the total volume of debt products.

Basically, the worst and best way for me describe our economy right now is to describe it as a bunch of finance bros representing all the dominant debt-powered industries running around with blindfolds giving each other debt handjobs in the dark. Apparently this creates value of some kind, but only to really rich people in the 1%.

Rich people are weird.

Anyway, save a major war, this is seen as the only way America can maintain the 3% growth rate people seem pretty damned sure we need to maintain for, you know, rich people reasons.

We could produce shit, but that’s not going to happen ever again. Onshoring and “Right to Work” States have brought tens of thousands of manufacturing jobs back to America, but their pay sucks, they offer no advancement and they offer no security or benefits. (Given the regional states of these “job creating” plants, I can tell you offhand that medical poverty is probably huge in these areas and thus the steady producer of many debt products in the way of medical debt.)

But yeah, we’re not going to produce shit. Not any time soon.

Oh, but our infrastructure is completely fucked. There’s that.

Hillary Clinton and the neoliberals she shills policy for have recognized this probably since her husband was in office as the biggest chunk of coal on offer for the Debt Star save a major war.

And what Hillary wants to do is chop up fixing the country into lots of debt products that can be handled by all those blindfolded handjob bros who can dip in and out of what her camp is calling a “national infrastructure bank.”

This would be what in policy we call a “public-private” partnership.

Or, as I call it, you know, economic bullshit.

Why?

Because why do we need a middle man? Why can’t the government itself create the jobs it needs to do this project? What value do the financiers who fund Hillary’s Super PAC have to add to the public work of fixing the infrastructure?

Last time I checked, the worst Americans are finance bros running around giving each other handjobs in the dark.

What do they stand to gain though?

Debt products.

For the Debt Star.

Our economy’s orbital dependence on the Debt Star has allowed for nothing but the most violently rapid dispossession in American history.

This bank-centric structure of American policy has gutted the middle class by making every aspect of their well-being dependent on their accumulation of debt products — specifically medical debt, student and housing debt — resulting in the Debt Star’s growth with every transaction.

For most Americans, this has left the vast majority of us in precarious positions and our security much in doubt.

For the 1%, this debt-fueled nightmare is, you guessed it, a finance bro-orgy.

But yes, let’s hand over the the biggest debt product in the free world to the people who profit from this situation.

Let’s hand off the repairs to our bridges, improvements of our schools, the revitalization of our public works to private bidders for loans reasonably financed by Hillary’s supporters.

That’ll work.

Let’s create more financial bureaucracy to fix the crisis brought on by financial bureaucracy.

Or, you know, we could do what FDR did and just pay for it ourselves.

Fuck the middle man.

Fuck the bankers.

Fuck the Debt Star.

Fuck Hillary’s neoliberal universe.