Horoscopes for the Depressed

Aries

That smell is you. You haven’t showered in three days. What did you think you would smell like today.

Taurus

No, it’s probably not going to just go away on its own.

Gemini

No, she actually didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that but she was about done with your shit anyway.

Cancer

You said you were going to learn to cook six deliveries ago. Maybe today is the day, big guy.

Leo

If you get out of bed today, you’ll eat more than you did yesterday when you didn’t get out of bed.

Virgo

Your tits are fine. Stop thinking so much about them.

Libra

You will still be watching, Netflix, thank you.

Scorpio

What on Earth gives you reason to think that you’re stable enough to buy property. No.

Sagittarius

No, the new Star Wars will not make you live.

Capricorn

Your parents are always worried about you. This is just an excuse to talk to you until they come up with the next one.

Aquarius

Do you really think you’re in a good enough place to start dating? Are you ready to subject yourself to others?

Pisces

If you leave the house today, you might leave again tomorrow.