How Conservatives Have Always Been Sucking at Big Cock

President demonstrates humanity and Conservatives demonstrate how deep they can take it

From Matt Haughey’s genius piece

The President shed a tear today for the American families who saw their children mercilessly slaughtered. In my opinion, this is an act of heroism. It demonstrates the President’s humanity in the face of harrowing wrong.

And maybe, hopefully, it’s a watershed moment for the American Presidency. Because from where I sit, we are a nation captured by assholes who insist the only legitimate power is one sucking endlessly at the Big Cock of toxic masculinity.

I reflect on the devolution of the media that has allowed a history now of bombastic sausages like Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly, Erick Erickson, Rush Limbaugh and Mike Huckabee to colonize so much territory in the public imagination. I don’t choose to listen to these guys but I nevertheless keep tripping over their existence because they have made themselves so utterly loud and ridiculous. What new thing could they possibly have to say about anything that couldn’t be described as the angry ejaculation of abstract cliches?

Then it dawns on me that that’s the one weird trick of Conservatism!

None of them have to have ideas!

That’s the definition of Conservatism: go back to old ideas because anything new is wrong.

So Conservatives never have to defend new ideas. All they’ve ever had to do is denounce anything new on principle while constantly cramming Reagan into logical orifices even Reagan would find himself horrified to be crammed in and out of for decades like some kind of — yeah you got it. I’ll stop.

Rhetorically, that’s a really nifty position to be in. I mean, it’s wrong and intellectually indefensible, but it’s still nifty.

Because you don’t have to think when you’re defending your shit opinions with bald violence, you just have to threaten to beat up anything new that comes along. That’s the first rule of prison. And the most cunning people in history and literature have always been those who buy the services of big, stupid bullies. The Lannisters have the Mount. The Koch Brothers have Ted Cruz.

People whose moral failure is obvious depend on obvious force. As David Graeber observes in Debt, violence is the language of least common denominator, assumed legible and communicable to everyone. The threat of this universally anticipated violence is what was thought to keep people in line and obedient to a regime of inequality. While reading Debt, two semi-related thoughts occurred to me:

  1. Stupid and wrong depend on violence to legitimize power and authority.
  2. History has only advanced insofar as we have denied force legitimacy.

A historical case of this would be the criminalization of marital rape. Not until 1993 would marital rape be tried as rape in all 50 states. Until 1993, it was recognized as tacit that the marital contract was also a lifetime of commitment to getting raped. The criminalization of marital rape, then, is an example of how we as a nation have collectively civilized to deny force its social legitimacy.

But the coalition of Conservatives defended marital rape. They defended it with the same stupid logic that they used to defend the legality of domestic violence, segregation, and generally just being fucking assholes going back to just about forever.

Because that’s what Conservatives do.

The entire Conservative movement is predicated on defending the social legitimacy of violence because they are running out of ideas.

The past promises nothing in an era when technology is accelerating our capacity for humanity and our ability to move beyond naked threats of brutality.

And so Conservatives have gotten desperate, loud and pathetic. They are flaccid in thought and so they reach for the only two things they think provide them with uncontested legitimacy: guns and cocks. In their role as controversy fluffers trying so desperately to keep hard Big Cock, they growl nostalgically about a history we never had and shit on the floor.

There’s no other way to say this: the state of the Right is Lord of the Flies: stupid white boys running around being ignorant little shits.

Except there’s no art to a bellicose barcalounger of a man yelling for brutality.

The theater Conservatism finds itself performing is naked and absurd.

Men like Donald Trump stand behind an ideology so shallow and self-contradictory, its adherents have no choice but to compensate with a comically bombastic manhood. Squishy men with delicate, soft hands make big, thundering promises like how they’re going to “carpet-bomb” an entire nation because someone told him threatening to commit a FUCKING WARCRIME would make him sound “tough.” Rotund meatsacks misconstrue the capacity to put tiny holes in a newspaper as thought leadership.

Way to go, Erick Erickson, you mensch.

But I think we reached peak absurd today.

The cockboys writing for Big Cock have to do this. They have no choice. Men like Charles C.W. Cooke are fluffers of a flaccid ideology that exists entirely to defend the social legitimacy of violence. They must defend their guns and cocks at whatever the cost — even at the expense of their own humanity.

And so we have men who consider themselves professional journalists mocking the President’s demonstration of compassion and empathy for the senseless slaughter of American citizens in a terrorist attack on domestic soil.

This is the impulse of assholes.

That’s it. That’s the whole take.

They spent all day tweeting nothing but their pathetic derision against the President for his audacity to show heart in response to senseless violence.

Better I suppose, for the President to allow the next Sandy Hook to happen. And the next. And the next. All while keeping us safe with one hand wrapped tight around his cock and his other his gun.

Because that’s the only America Conservatives can imagine for us.

That’s the only future they’ve imagined for us.