How Millennial Women are Killing the Classic Heterosexual Romance Plot

Too many heterosexual love stories now end with Elizabeth Bennett forgiving Wickham for being a shit and running away with him instead because reasons.

Millennial Jane Eyre just accepts Rochester’s weird attic mancave sight unseen because at least this one wants to commit, you know?

The Millennial Doll’s House is a 29-year-old single lawyer lying to everyone around her about how ambivalent she is now about having kids.

The Little Millennial Mermaid ends when Ariel, unable to take her meds for the three days she’s on land, ultimately tears through an embarrassing manic episode and no one knows her well enough to forgive her.

Millennial Beauty and Beast ends when Belle accepts The Beast’s abuse as love after years of emotional neglect from living with her workaholic father.

Millennial Pretty Woman would never happen because Richard Gere would fill the emotional hole in his heart by chatting with single moms he’d never actually date in real life all night on Tinder.