Introducing Patriochs: The Future of Wearable Governmentality

The President addressed the nation today to introduce a smart new product that researchers agree will dramatically improve public service while reducing government waste: the Patrioch.

“The Patrioch combines the best of American innovation into one slick design,” said President Clinton. “With the Patrioch, you’ll never get lost again.” Clinton explained how while it’s technically unconstitutional for her to mandate the device, citizen-users should be eager to get their hands on the newest wearable.

President Clinton invited former Google CEO Eric Schmidt (who now works for the Pentagon) to demo the new bracelet. “Smarter than a smartphone,” Schmidt laughed. “Wherever you go, Big Innovation goes with you.”

Schmidt and Clinton explained that the Patrioch will steadily replace the EZ-Pass toll system. “It’s more rational,” the President said. User-Citizens can expect future iterations of the Patrioch to be outfitted with medical records, digital wallets, and, of course, the classic cellphone game, Snake.

Users who adopt the Patrioch will be expected to wear the bracelet daily and to keep it fully charged at all times. In exchange for their contribution to civic efficiency, citizens who agree to wear Patriochs can expect to pay up to 30% lower taxes than citizens who do not assent to wearable government.

But before you think the Patrioch is all about carrots, because the Patrioch counts steps, users who walk fewer than 10,000 steps a day can expect a small increase in their insurance premiums. “There has to be some skin the game,” laughed Clinton. “And I don’t think walking is too much to ask in exchange for freedom.”