Let’s Just Conscript Chelsea Clinton and Ivanka Trump and See What Happens

I submit a modest proposal: let’s conscript Chelsea Clinton and Ivanka Trump.

Now, I realize as women this isn’t technically possible. But the legislation to universalize Selective Service is on the table and Hillary is on record supporting it.

So as a thought exercise, let’s just pretend we as a nation have the theoretic power to conscript these two young mothers into the United States military machine.

One of my crueler thoughts today was the realization that Chelsea Clinton has been paid millions of dollars by TV networks for no other reason than she dropped out of a jackpot vagina. Meanwhile, our all-volunteer army sends boys and girls to die horrible deaths in Iraq and Syria for really no other reason than they were not fortunate enough to drop out of a jackpot vagina themselves.

That doesn’t seem fair, does it?

So after forcing myself to sit through Ivanka’s speech last week, I’ve decided we should just pre-empt Chelsea’s predictable volley back and just say we should draft them both.

Let’s end their celebrated tour of white girl privilege and just draft the fuck out of both them.

I started reading a book of essays this week centered around Fredric Jameson’s essay, An American Utopia. In this essay, Jameson suggests we implement a universal draft, conscripting everyone into the military to do the always necessary work of building a respectable nation.

I like his chutzpah.

Whether or not you ultimately agree with the proposal, you have to entertain for a moment the idea that the way we use our military in America isn’t fair. It’s almost entirely in the service of the ruling elite, mostly to protect trade and corporate assets abroad while rendering virtually no security to the vast majority of American citizens. It costs taxpayers trillions of dollars to uphold our imperialism and it benefits a precious few of us.

The way I see it, Jameson’s proposal to re-nationalize the military forces us to see that there is no separation between us and state violence. If we have no other choice but to serve, we might actually ask what the hell it’s for. We might again ask why it exists. We might entertain silly romantic notions about what it could be.

But our volunteer-based killing machine now doesn’t include the children of the powerful. They instead attend fancy schools and marry hedge fund bankers and receive millions of dollars for having a face that dropped out of a jackpot vagina.

Then they have the audacity to tell other people about how the American dream works and how their millionaire parents will get us there.

Meanwhile, the legs of the poor kids are blown off opening markets so the children from the richest families can grow up and peddle their shitty clothes during daddy’s long fascist informercial.

Yeah, I shopped her look!

Turns out this All-American look was made in China.

So I return again to my modest proposal: conscript them both.

Let the American people have the daughters.

Let them be collateral against their parents’ seeming indifference to accusations of imperialism and fascism.

Let them defend their privilege to the American people.

Let’s just see what happens.