Modern Day Harry Potter: Part II

Holly Wood
Aug 8, 2016 · 7 min read

This part II of a project started in November 2014.

Follow @girlziplocked for #mdhp tweets.

I will post them here as I write them whenever inspiration strikes. You can buy actual Harry Potter books at Amazon or wherever books are sold. But not here. This is my dismal playground now.


  • From the back row, Draco interrupted rehearsal to demand an apology from every actor on stage for insulting the art of emoting.
  • Draco insists the playbill note: “Hogwarts offers no dramaturgical education; Mr. Malfoy is not responsible for bad acting.”
  • “Art is a bad fuck! ART IS A BAD FUCK!” Draco shouted repeatedly in the alley outside the theatre while chain smoking.
  • Harry and Ginny read aloud Pokemon erotica for fun until suddenly it stopped being fun and started getting real.
  • Harry tweets: “The Internet is chock full of analysis regarding Pokemon mating habits and yet offers so little on how they love.”
  • Harry texts Hermione, “Are you playing Pokemon Go?” Hermione texts back, “…”
  • “They’re like horcruxes but with adorable faces!” Harry gushed, sharing with his coworkers his Pokemon Go stats.
  • Wizards have unfair advantage in Pokemon Go seeing as they can fly on broomstick.
  • “I think I’m just emotionally antifragile,” Neville admitted.
  • Harry and Fleur strike up a bizarre alliance as the only two wizards they know playing Pokemon Go.
  • “Ginny, where’s my phone?” “I hid it.” “You hid it?” “Yes, Harry, you’re fucking addicted to Pokemon and it’s pathetic.”
  • “The Sorting Hat is just predictive policing if you think about it,” George said. “Well, obviously.” Hermione replied.
  • “I have sympathy for Snape having to oversee a house full of children given how much he absolutely hated children,” Ginny muses.
  • Draco finished the bag of crisps. “The Hat said I would be ambitious.” He picks up the Jameson. “Cheers to that fucking hat.”
  • “Harry, look, will you just look?” “Ginny, who cares if you have a grey pubic hair? I don’t.” “Harry, for fuck’s sake, just look.”
  • Draco, hands grasping the counter, plunged his face into his sink. After 23 seconds, he pulls his head out and sighs.
  • Hermione, looking down at 86 stories of London, turns to George to say, “What is this monster we’ve inherited? How do we kill it?”
  • “Everyone wants the same, Arthur. I can’t give them the same,” Molly turns to her husband. “We can’t afford more of the same.”
  • “Good morning, wizarding world, are you ready for another day of not doing enough?” Ron laughs.
  • “Hermione, do you remember when you read to me the entire Wikipedia entry about the Spanish Civil War?” George hints.
  • “Why do they keep making Death Star movies? It’s always the same flaw. Find new flaws, humanity. Destroy those.” Hermione tweets.
  • “Does magic work in VR?” Harry asks the IT guy. “Harry…”
  • Draco, now three drinks in, hears the door knock. It’s a Seamless delivery man he forgot he summoned. “Come in,” he demands.
  • Arthur opens a Twitter account. Surprising no one, his first tweet is: “Hello world!” Also surprising no one, it will be his last.
  • “Why does everyone like everything I tweet?” Hermione asks Harry. “Because you’re hot.” “Oh, fuck well off, Harry.”
  • “Hermione, love, you have to know that you’re more valuable as a symbol — -” “For fuck’s sake, I also saw Hunger Games, thank you.”
  • Draco, reading at the hotel pool, turns to the guest next to him and asks, “How comfortable are you with discomfort, though?”
  • “But what if you wanted equality as much as Anne Hathaway wants to stay relevant?” George asked on his vlog.
  • Hermione looks at her phone and then looks up at George. “The world needs so many more heroes than us.”
  • “How do we scale heroism?” George pleaded.
  • “Wizard Genius Accuses Wizards of Inadequate Inquiry” screams the headline in the Daily Prophet. “Oh fuck off,” Hermione sighs.
  • “The collective horizon is always the only thing at stake,” George smiled. “Nothing else matters.”
  • “Am I failure?” “Luna, you’re everything failure is afraid of,” Neville whispers to his wife of course the most perfect thing.
  • “I LOVE YOU, HERMIONE GRANGER — YOU AND YOUR SICK TWISTED CHAOS BRAIN.” George yelled, running towards his computer.
  • “Luna should never have been put in Ravenclaw,” Neville tells the Sorting Hat. “Yeah, but what are you going to do?” replies the Hat.
  • “Why do people wait until they’re old to get wise?” George asks. Hermione chortles.
  • “At some point,” Hermione blogs, “you realize wisdom is knowing you don’t need to know it all; you only need to know how it works.”
  • “Question my humanity,” George laughs. “Do it. Come on.”
  • Hermione convinces Harry to donate $3 million to the city of Chicago to build a library dedicated to Aaron Swartz’s legacy.
  • Luna is commissioned to create a statue honoring Aaron Swartz. She builds a massive structure made entirely out of open handcuffs.
  • “You know what’s fun about societal collapse?” Draco writes in his syllabus. “You don’t know yet what skills are useful.”
  • “Even Caesar had someone on call to remind him that he was only human, Hermione,” Harry shrugs before finishing his third beer.
  • After seeing Mean Girls for the first time, Draco gives his creative writing class the assignment to make fetch happen.
  • “Reckless is my middle name,” Ron laughs. “You say that like being human deadweight is something to be proud of,” George shot back.
  • “I’m not funny but my internet addiction lets me pass off my extensive meme expertise as wit to wizards,” Harry laughed.
  • “Hermione, do you ever get the sense that Harry is ten years behind? How is that possible? We grew up together.” Hermione sighs.
  • “…then we lead a federated front of weirdos. Who you are doesn’t matter as much as the fact that you are federated,” George vlogs.
  • “George,” Hermione whispered, rubbing his hips reassuredly, “Enough with Negri. I get it.”
  • Dean Thomas is stopped by a cop because even Wizards deal with racial profiling.
  • Harry keeps giving Hermione copies of Franzen to read. She keeps not reading the copies of Franzen Harry gives her.
  • Though born dyslexic, George listens to 5 hours of audiobooks a day. Last year, he read 168 books, exceeding Hermione by 24.
  • “The only writing I now believe in is the kind that burns your throat like it knows what you did,” said Draco. “Next question.”
  • George unpacks his shipment of custom-made hand puppets. “Hermione,” he asks, “What’s the latest on puppet magic?” “Oh no.”
  • “But why can’t we get high on magic?” Ron asks magic scholar at a cocktail party no one believes he’d be invited to attend.
  • “Too much magic always makes me have to take a shit,” Draco admits. “It’s like coffee.”
  • Ginny comes home to find Harry playing VR naked and won’t want to have sex again for three weeks.
  • Professor McGonagall writes Hermione, “Will be dying soon, would be nice to hear from you. Passive aggressively yours, Minerva.”
  • Harry would not get contacts to play Quidditch. Will gets contacts to play VR.
  • “I don’t need everyone to agree with me, Hermione. I only need you to not think I’m crazy and that’s good enough.” George smiled.
  • Asked to review a biography of Gellert Grindelwald, Draco snorted, “What is it with mediocrity’s obsession with villainous madness?”
  • “Oh, come out with it — what’s wrong with listening to Oprah, Hermione?” Ginny demanded. Hermione sighed and disapparated.
  • “Hermione always thinks she’s so smart.” “She is, Ginny. What do you want her to do? Crack her skull for your benefit?”
  • “Cleaning out Nurmengard, historians found Grindelwald’s exegesis of The Unsinkable Molly Brown” “What?” “300 pages, hand-written.”
  • Draco rents a jetski and creates an Instagram story of his adventure. Harry sees it and Ginny is afraid he will die from laughing.
  • “Harry,” Ginny inhaled. “I think I want to date women.” Ginny exhaled.
  • “Get drunk until you think the sky is the floor; write about your feelings upside down,” Draco muttered, waving his class away.
  • “Say another word about Hermione, Ron,” George whispered, “And I’ll have you biting the curb outside with my foot on your neck.”
  • A student straggled at the end of the seminar, hoping to speak for a moment with Professor Draco. “No, you deluded thing, be gone.”
  • “You ever utter a single word about our work on the air and this ends with you broken on the street,” George smiled. “I mean it.”
  • “Write me erotica from inside Sujfan Stevens’ head,” Draco assigned his creative writing class without flinching.
  • 10 Reasons Why American Wizards Can’t Even Right Now
  • In all classified Ministry documents, the muggle known as Donald Trump is referred to as codename Shitler. It is a very open secret.
  • “Harry, the world wants to know, what would Harry Potter do against Donald Trump?” Harry laughed. “Call Hermione. Obviously.”
  • Hermione opened the card. “To Hermione, my beloved exculpatory witness. Love George” “Aw.”
  • “All being a good teacher ever really is,” says Draco, “is the willingness to assign people work that will break their own hearts.”
  • “For the love of Gandalf, Harry.” Hermione sighed, “You can’t encrypt owls. Stop sending them.”
  • “Harry, the next time you send me incriminating information via an owl,” Hermione seethed, “I will shoot the fucker out of the sky.”
  • “The first rule of fascism,” Draco sighed, “find the wretched and lonely and give them each other as company. That’s leadership.”
  • “I don’t see what’s so bad about Donald Trump,” said Ron. After recovering from shock, Molly lashed him to a windmill for six hours.
  • “When you’re committed to the path,” said Hermione of her divorce, “you can only love the people who help you find the way.”
  • “Retirement suits Potter, boy hero whose heroism peaked at 17.” Draco, 31, proves himself a masterful troll.
  • I’ve read a good number of books on this subject and though we can’t magic food, we can seize the means of production,” said George.
  • On his morning radio show, Ron makes 24 cracks about how hung parliament is, mercilessly abusing the “sprung” sound effect each time.
  • By accident, Hermione saves the world from systemic bee collapse. “I was high,” she tells the prize committee. “I forget what I did.”
  • “Harry,” Ginny sighed. “What if the reason you love video games so much is precisely because you don’t want to be a real hero again?”

Holly Wood

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Documentarian of the absurd.