Petition for Black Kids “Pulling a Kaepernick” to Defenestrate David Brooks

This column is directed at all the Black kids who David Brooks is insulting in his useless column this week. By basically copying and pasting said column here and fixing its inaccuracies, I will try to persuade you that David Brooks is begging to be thrown out of the nearest window.

When White Men first settled this continent they had two big thoughts. The first was that they should fuck over all people of color as hard and as fast as possible. The second was that they needed to hire White Men like David Brooks to convince other people that this was not what they were doing.

The White Men like David Brooks put intense moral pressure on themselves to make sure this work got done. They ran themselves ragged burning women alive for disagreeing with them. They hung Black people for saying slavery was bad. They drove Native Americans into the desert to starve.

But moralizing the slaughter of vulnerable people was the mainstream voice that defined American civilization. As the playwright Sidney Sheldon wrote, “Business is a game, played for fantastic stakes, and you’re in competition with experts. If you want to win, you have to learn to be a master of the game.” That’s why experts like David Brooks have always been paid lots of money by White Men to pen bullshit like this telling the oppressed that they’re wrong for resisting oppression. They’ve been mastering the game of fucking over vulnerable people from the start.

By 1776, a date that means fuck nothing to Black people since they were still slaves and their slavery was enshrined into all the founding documents, Sucking the White Man’s Cock became this country’s civic religion. This civic religion was based on a moral premise — that everyone should suck White Man Cock— and pointed toward a vision of a still more cocksucking — a place where your family or country of origin would have no bearing on your capacity to suck White Man Cock.

Over the centuries this civic religion fired a fervent desire to punish everyone who refused to suck White Man Cock. Every significant American reform movement was shaped by it. Abraham Lincoln wrote, “These capitalists generally act harmoniously and in concert to fleece the people.”

“These capitalists generally act harmoniously and in concert to fleece the people.” — Abraham Lincoln

Martin Luther King Jr. agreed with Comrade Lincoln when he wrote to his beloved wife that White Man’s Capitalism “is a system that takes necessities from the masses to give luxuries to the classes.”

Resisting White Man’s Cock gave vulnerable people a sense of purpose and a high ideal to live up to. It bonded them together. Whatever their other identities — Irish-American, Jewish American, African-American — they were still part of the same story — resisting White Man’s Cock.

Over the years, America’s civic religion of Cocksucking was nurtured the way all religions are nurtured: by fucking over everyone who refused to suck the cock. White Men like David Brooks have always been rewarded for mansplaining to people resisting the White Man’s Cock that they were actually tearing this nation apart and that they should stop resisting and put the Cock back in their mouths.

Recently, the civic religion of White Cocksucking has been under assault. Many schools no longer teach Cocksucking, so students of color never learn how to properly attend the Cock. A globalist mentality teaches students they are citizens of the world and no longer have to suck White Man’s Cock.

Heroes like Ta-Nehisi Coates have arisen, arguing that the American reality is so FUBAR as to negate the value of the whole thing. The multiculturalist mind-set values racial, gender and ethnic identities and regards national identities as bullshit attempts of white men like David Brooks to try to hold on to the privileges they deny themselves having.

There’s been a sharp decline in American patriotism. Today, only 52 percent of Americans are “extremely proud” of their country, a historical low. Among those 18 to 29, only 34 percent are still willing to suck the Cock. Americans know less about Cocksucking and are less likely to be fervent believers in it.

Sitting out on the Cocksucking takes place in the context of looming post-nationalism. When we refuse to suck the great Cock, we are resisting oppression. We’re fortifying our conviction never to suck a fucking White Cock again. We’re expressing gratitude for our ancestors who told us to never suck a White Man’s Cock again. We’re expressing our commitment to resist his flaccid demands.

If Black kids refuse to suck White Man Cock we will have lost the idea system that White Men like David Brooks can tell Black kids how to suffer their oppression. We will lose the sense that self-appointed experts like him are worth listening to. We’ll lose the sense of shared loyalty to the Great Cock.

If these Cocksucking rituals are refused, other people won’t be motivated to keep fellating the White Man.

You will make a mockery of Donald Trump’s ethnic nationalism, which is fueled on the bullshit salvos White Men like David Brooks write to make middle-class white men feel like they’re not utter deadweight on a sinking society.

I hear you when you say you are unhappy with the way things are. You should be. This place is a fucking nightmare. But the answer to what’s wrong in America is solved by organizing ourselves and calling for White Men like David Brooks to be thrown out of a window.

We have a crisis of solidarity. That makes it hard to solve every other problem we have. When you stand and demand the defenestration of David Brooks, you are building a little solidarity, and you’re singing a radical song about a radical place.