Why Tentacle Porn is the Last Chapter of Human Civilization

Lacking both a dick and anything resembling tech prowess, I wouldn’t describe myself as an expert in teledildonics. Yet, I have seen the finest minds of my generation 3D-printing ersatz vaginal canals...

What blows my mind about VR and all its infinite possibility is the cynosure surrounding its potential in ostensibly revolutionizing the sex industry.

Why legalize sexwork when you NASA engineers can spend years revolutionalizing manhood pleasure?

I recently had my first VR experience this last week, wonderfully transfixed by Google’s sandbox art platform Tilt Brush:

Here is what I made:

I am an artist. Go fuck yourself.

Anyway, my experience inside the VR box did, however, grant me some perspective on how the near future is going to look for us.

The future is porn.

Well, no, the future is 3D porn contained in sensory isolation chambers.

The future is us selling our furniture so that we might transform our apartments into sensory isolation chambers so that we might more realistically experience the sensation of having our dick sucked by concubines in gilded harems.

Or turning our hands into slithering tentacles to penetrate everyone on the deck of the Starship Enterprise.

Whichever.

The point is that the future is going to be all of us very alone penetrating the orifices of things that do not exist.

Which is really the endgame of Neoliberalism when you really think about it — everyone alone forever while nevertheless making massive profits for the men who already have all the money.

I’ve seen the future and do not want.

Which is why when I sit here thinking about the future of VR, I can’t help but think about the future it is displacing. Now, VR is all well and good. All technology is neutral in my book since technology doesn’t really have morality.

But the human imagination is finite. Our capacity to think is finite. Our time left on this rotting corpse of a planet right now is literally finite. I know people think technology is going to help us outrun a ticking clock but not if the best-educated minds of our generation are losing their shit about 3D-printed vaginas.

We can either spend our time thinking and funding tentacle porn or we can spend our time thinking and funding civilization.

Yes, in many respects, it comes down to that: tentacle porn vs. civilization.

At the rate we’re going, tentacle porn is going to win by a far margin.

Already, I feel myself losing hope. I went to some very fine schools, mind you. I went to schools where Obama told my graduating class to go out and save the world.

Now many of those classmates who heard that address work at big law firms making lots of money for horrible people and going home to their ludicrously expensive co-ops in Brooklyn to waste four hours watching Gilmore Girls before swallowing their antidepressants and falling asleep.

Hope and change, people, hope and change.

If I sound bitter that’s because I am bitter. I’m not going to apologize for it. The planet is quite literally on fire.

But we’re going to have realistic tentacle porn, so there’s that, I guess.