Agnostic is Not Godless
I’m agnostic. I always feel compelled to explain this. Particularly when I mention God in any context. I sense that some folks think I’m an atheist. I’m not Godless. I love the Lord. I speak to him every day. I just don’t know if I’m having a conversation with myself.
Agnostic simply means, “I cannot know the unknowable.” My father, a die-hard agnostic, thought both the religious and atheists had it wrong. Neither could prove definitively that God did or did not exist. He thought it was hubris to be sure of something that was not provable. His argument made sense to me.
I wished I could genuinely believe in God.
I tried many times through the years to embrace religion. Especially at low times in my life, I wished that I could genuinely believe in God. I understood the value of faith and the community belonging to a religious institution could bring. But temple or church, my attendance always felt awkward.
The last church I attended was Universal Spirit Center in San Diego. My friend Milo introduced me to it. He’s gay — probably half the congregation was. The pastor, Reverend Kevin Bucey (“Rev Kev” as I call him), is gay and now widowed. (His husband recently died. I can’t even imagine his pain.) The remainder of the congregation was a mix of puzzle pieces that just don’t fit anywhere. If I was going to belong to a church, it was going to be this one.
Rev Kev’s sermons moved me to tears.
I really tried. I loved the music, the guided meditation, and the silent retreats. Rev Kev’s sermons always moved me to tears. (It became kinda embarrassing.) Milo stopped attending for reasons still unclear to me. I moved to Texas, but I stopped attending prior to that. Ultimately, these folks believed in God. It felt disingenuous to be an agnostic attendee. No one — but the Lord himself speaking to me loudly and clearly — was going to change my mind.
Also, if I’m being honest, and Lord knows I try (really, he knows I try), I just didn’t fit in. I never fit it. You know it’s bad when you can’t fit in with the misfits. (An article for another day.) I decided to embrace my agnosticism. Since I cannot know the unknowable, I talk to God every day. Sometimes about the mundane (okay, often about the mundane); sometimes about serious matters.
My relationship with God is my own…
Every once in a while, I feel God strongly. It happened at the gym one day. I had just seen my adult child and I knew they were in trouble. There I was, on the calf machine, eyes closed, praying to God to please help my child.
My relationship with God is my own, not constrained by religion or bible stories. He comforts me and I never walk alone. I may not like people very much, but I love the Lord. And I know he loves me back. The best part is that if it’s all in my head — then it means I love me, too.
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Aviva Gittle publishes children’s books in English and Spanish. She’s back in her blue California, happily cooking and baking while having mundane conversations with God.
