Good Morning, I’m Dead Inside

Hi! I assume you’re from the agency. Nice to meet you! I’m Becca the office manager, but everyone calls me Becca.

You’ll be filling in for our receptionist Deb who is out sick today. Deb is amazing so you’ll have so big shoes to fill, the slippers under her desk are a size 11.

This is the button to open the front door. When it buzzes just push open. Want to give it a try? Now, pretend I’m the door. Ready? Okay, BUZZ! Great job! You’re a natural.

Okay next, the phones. When the phone rings, pick it up and say “good morning, Steemanhaus and Associates” or if it’s afternoon say “good afternoon, Steemanhaus and Associates” or if it’s evening say “good evening, Steemanhaus and Associates.” Don’t worry, you’ll get the hang of it.

The caller will probably say “can I please speak to so-and-so.” So-and-so isn’t a real employee so don’t look for them on the extension list, I am just using this as an example. The list of employee extensions is right here, just put the person on hold, lookup so-and-so’s extension, punch in the extension number then press transfer, it’s the button that says transfer on it. Can you point it out for me? Nice work.

Do you want to write any of this down? I know it can be a lot. I used to be the receptionist but then I got promoted. I love being the office manager or as I like to call it the “om” like a yoga om because I keep everyone calm but also o-m for office-manager. Neat right? I’m thinking of trademarking that so don’t steal it! I’m kidding. But, don’t steal it.

Alight, so sometimes you’ll get telemarketing calls and they can be pretty aggressive. When I used to answer the phones I didn’t know how to handle them, then I read Lean In and in it, she asks ““what would you do if you weren’t afraid?” And that was how I gained the strength to tell a telemarketer “please take us off your call list.” I encourage you to be brave and do the same, it’s incredibly empowering.

Before we move on, are you okay? Do you need anything? I realize I’m throwing a lot of information at you so if you need me to slow down at any point just let me know.

Next, the mail. The mailman OR woman, like I said Lean In! They will buzz and what do you do when that happens? Yes! Buzz them in! I mean it, you really have a knack for this stuff. Just take the mail from them then drop it off at Mark’s desk and he will sort it. Mark is the operations manager. He is so cute right? Too bad he’s married. Do you have a boyfriend? How long have you been together? Do you live together? Do you think you’ll get married? Do you want kids? Does he have any single friends? Can you text him and ask him?

So yea, we all ping one another for internal stuff. Just go on the computer and click on Outlook. Do you know how to use email? Fantastic! You can just type in my name Becca, B, e, c…yea you got it! Type in a message, for example type in Becca I found you a husband then press send. Good job! Feel free to surf the web while you’re here just don’t go to any inappropriate sites hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Here in this cabinet is where we keep all of our supplies except for scissors, we keep those in a locked drawer in my desk ever since the last temp tried …well, it doesn’t matter.

So where did you go to college? Oh my friend Mary went there, do you know Mary? She graduated in 2014. No way! That means you’re like what, 35? I assumed you were 23 like me, most of our temps have been my age. You look great. What did you study? Whoa, linguistics. Well, I guess that’ll come in handy on the phones.

If you want to bring a lunch you can keep in the fridge which is, come with me, right here in the kitchen. There’s also tea and coffee in these little single serve thingies. Do you know how to use one of these machines? It can be pretty complicated. You put the coffee pod in the thing that says “put coffee pod her” and press “start.” Please stop me if you want to write any of this down.

Sometimes there will be left over cookies or bagels from a meeting in here which is so bad. It’s like so dangerous. It’s like get away from me. It’s like so naughty. It’s like carb attack. It’s like attack of the carbs. It’s like I’m being attacked by carbs. It’s like I can’t control myself. It’s like I don’t want to be bad but I’m can’t stop myself. It’s like goodbye diet. It’s like hello extra pounds. It’s like so bad.

The bathroom is down the hall to the left. When you want to use the bathroom or take your break just ping me and I’ll cover your desk. Do you remember how to ping me? Great. If I’m not available please try to be patient and wait, I know holding your pee is bad but so is having an empty reception desk.

So are you like a singer? Writer? Actress? I know a lot of temps do artsy stuff. I give you so much credit for sticking with it. You chase this dream for so long and there’s no guarantee it’ll pay off. It’s so brave. There was this one girl who was a temp here, she was an actress and I’d say to her- congrats you booked the role of receptionist! I think she liked that. I just do what I can to make people feel good. Remember “om.”

Are you crying? That’s weird because our last temp also had allergies. Your allergies look a lot like crying.

Um what else? Oh, I should probably tell you what we do here. We are a public relations research firm servicing online platforms by offering them digital consumer solutions and branding strategies for their domestic and overseas business markets. Geoff our CEO, that’s him in that painting above your desk holding a baby seal. He’s really nice and will probably come your desk and tell you a dirty joke. Just laugh. It’s not sexual harassment, it’s just Geoff.

Okay, so that’s it. Are you sure you don’t want to write any of this down?