Being the disposable friend.

Recently I’ve lost my best friend, my feelings not really mattering to her anymore. She tells me we’ve grown apart and that she didn’t intend for that to happen, but in the end she had been the one not responding to texts. She never talked to me after a while. It started to feel like she wanted us to grow apart so she’d have an excuse to stop talking to me at the end of the summer. My best friend and I had each other’s backs the first three years of high school, but that was when we had no one else.

You were my best friend, my sister that I never got to have in a way, and by the end of the summer you had thrown that all away. You told me that the time had changed you, but in all honesty I don’t even recognize your contact name anymore. We didn’t have nicknames for each other anymore, we didn’t even talk anymore. It was strange, being able to see you in the halls but not even know you anymore.

It started with the boyfriend, the man that disrespected the woman in our school, including me. It feels like he molded you into someone you weren’t, someone no one really knew anymore.

Then it had been your friends, the ones that didn’t like me and didn’t want to know me. You kept me away from them as if I had the plague, but in reality maybe they had been the toxic ones. You started wearing less clothing, your whole modesty speech from the summer before going out the window.

You’d document every fun thing you were doing, knowing I’d see, then the next day you’d tell me you were too busy this summer o hang out with anyone. Part of me believes you didn’t want to have one last hooray with me because you had already been out the door while I was still waiting inside.

Of course I’m angry, but of course I’d never have the heart to tell you that because it wouldn’t matter. You’d tell me I’m overreacting, even as I spill how I’m feeling to you. I was disposable to you, someone who was there to hold your hand when no one else wanted to. I was the temporary fix until you got more and more popular.

As a stare at the text you just sent me, your words stinging through my disposable heart, I realize that our friendship has always been on a timer, just waiting for you to move on. Maybe I’m mad at myself for not reading the signs on the road, or maybe I was just hopeful in us.

Now I know that I won’t be seeing you, that we won’t be texting about plans or projects for school ever again. You and I won’t be taking pictures at prom together, and as you said, we wouldn’t be eating lunch together anymore either. I hope you’ve made the correct decision for you, because once you dispose of me, you will not be getting me back.

Once I’m gone I will be molded into someone who forgets about you, who will be so much happier without you. I do not rely on you for happiness, and you shouldn’t be able to make me feel that way. I wish you the best I really do, but if everything goes awry for you just remember that I will not be there. You disposed of me, and so now I’m gone.