In Which I Sort the Democratic Candidates Into Hogwarts Houses

Giulianna Maria Lamanna
Sep 10 · 12 min read
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry: Judging children since 990.

Joe Biden: Hufflepuff

Portrait of Vice President Joe Biden
Portrait of Vice President Joe Biden

“What does it really cost to take a moment to look someone in the eye, to give him a hug, to let her know, ‘I get it. You’re not alone’?”

Bernie Sanders: Gryffindor

Portrait of Senator Bernie Sanders
Portrait of Senator Bernie Sanders

“I am going to do my best to try to create a country where children are not living in poverty, in which kids can go to college, in which old people have health care. Will I succeed? I can’t guarantee you that, but I can tell you that from a human point of view it is better to show up than to give up.”

Picture of a young Bernie Sanders in 1963, getting arrested by Chicago police at a nonviolent protest.
Picture of a young Bernie Sanders in 1963, getting arrested by Chicago police at a nonviolent protest.
Look at this fucking Gryffindor.

Elizabeth Warren: Ravenclaw

Portrait of Senator Elizabeth Warren
Portrait of Senator Elizabeth Warren

“I have a plan for that!”

Kamala Harris: Slytherin

Portrait of Sen. Kamala Harris
Portrait of Sen. Kamala Harris

“I’m obviously a top-tier candidate, and so I did expect that I would… take hits tonight because there are a lot of people that are trying to make the stage for the next debate. Especially when people are at zero or 1 percent or whatever she might be at.”

Pete Buttigieg: Slytherin

Portrait of Mayor Pete Buttigieg
Portrait of Mayor Pete Buttigieg

“It’s important that we not drown people in minutiae before we’ve vindicated the values that animate our policies.”

Beto O’Rourke: Gryffindor

Portrait of Rep. Beto O’Rourke
Portrait of Rep. Beto O’Rourke

“Courage makes victory possible.”

Cory Booker: Gryffindor

Portrait of Sen. Cory Booker
Portrait of Sen. Cory Booker

“What more could you ask for in life than to be given an impossible challenge?”

Andrew Yang: Ravenclaw

Picture of presidential candidate Andrew Yang
Picture of presidential candidate Andrew Yang

“If you go deep into a problem, you’ll find most all of the time that there are yet more problems to be solved from the ground up.”

Amy Klobuchar: Gryffindor

Portrait of Sen. Amy Klobuchar
Portrait of Sen. Amy Klobuchar

“Am I a tough boss sometimes? Yes. Have I pushed people too hard? Yes. But I have kept expectations for myself that are very high. I’ve asked my staff to meet those same expectations.”

Julián Castro: Slytherin

Portrait of Julián Castro
Portrait of Julián Castro

“I have learned in life that the best way to create a great future for yourself is don’t forget what’s in front of you. And so I’m trying to do a great job at HUD.”

Tom Steyer: THE SLYTHERINEST

“I said at the time I think [Need to Impeach] is the most consequential thing I can do. We’ll see. This is a fast-moving thing. Stuff happened today. Stuff happened yesterday. Stuff happened the day before.”

Honorable Mention:

Jay Inslee: Hufflepuff

How dare you betray this man, Tom Steyer

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