The five dating tropes that should stay in 2015

1. The Emotional One Night Stand

MANILA, Philippines — We’ve all been there. You meet someone at a friend’s cousin’s girlfriend’s party and the universe somehow manages to find you someone that a) likes Wes Anderson and b) doesn’t say “stuffs.” You immediately think, “this is it,” that the person standing in front of you is the answer to all of those nights spent swiping right or swiping left. But the night ends and they leave the party, without giving you their number. You’re standing there psychologically blue-balled, feeling cheap and dirty, while waiting for your Uber ride home.

2. The Dodge and Burn

You may have that one person in your life that you almost dated but never quite did. You hooked up maybe once or twice, but ended up with a face full of saliva instead of a heart full of love. You sometimes still receive messages from them asking you out to “a drink?” “some coffee?” “a trip to New York?” all of which you vaguely reply to because those messages keep you safe, not knowing that dodging all those questions will end up leaving someone burned.

3. The Mercury Retrograde

Mercury retrograde is notorious for f***ing up our technological devices at least three times a year but what it also does is to bring people from our pasts out of the woodwork. I once read an interview where Adele said she wrote Hello during the great second quarter retrograde of 2014. Okay… I lied, but at least you get the picture. The next time you get the urge to let an ex know about how you’re doing from “the other side,” drop that iPhone, check your horoscope, and play a little game of Tinder. If all else fails at least send your blast from the past through Snapchat… that way at least you’ll know when she decides to screencap it to show all her friends.

4. The Review of Related Literature

A literature review is the accumulation of what has been published on a topic by respected scholars or it is the accumulation of what has been stalked about a crush through their various social media channels. It’s a trap we all fall into and we don’t realize it until it’s too late and we find ourselves cancelling on a date based on a certain #thirsty #selfy from 53 weeks ago.

5. The Insta-like

You like my Instagram but you don’t reply to my texts. You watch my entire Snapchat story but don’t reply to my direct message about how lame it is that you like Luke better than Han. Stop sending me mixed signals!! It’s either you bask in the greatness of my social media presence in complete silence or you finally come to your senses and send me a #fitness selfie already!!

As published in The Philippine Star 25 December 2015