Am I Good Enough Yet?

“The past four years have been nothing but trial and error”

By Felina

The past four years have been nothing but trial and error, trying new and expensive ways to make my body look better and make it look like all those supermodels I see on TV. I tried to do at home workouts after a long 12 hour day at school. I would do the pushups, planks, sit ups, squats, everything and anything to get the “picture-perfect” body.

I think my biggest downfall was my freshman year. Lord was I an absolute mess. I remember seeing my sister begin to wear more makeup, get hundreds of likes on Instagram while I would only wear mascara and get a solid 25 likes. I taught myself to believe “eh, you got all the ugly genes, you’ll never amount to your sister.” It was not a competition between me and what I saw on TV; it was between me and my sister. I began to experiment with more makeup and put myself out there. But the more I did, the more dangerous attention I brought to myself and the more I felt I was becoming someone I knew I was not.

Then I joined color guard. Colorguard was everything I wanted and needed to prove to myself I am worth something and I can do something. My family never knew or thought to ask how I was or what I was up to. My family never one-hundred percent supported me through color guard. So I did color guard to prove to myself that I am worth something on my own. The best part? I did not have to change anything about who I was and how I looked. I loved everything about myself after my second season of color guard. It made me a better spinner and a better person.

My body allowed me to move in ways others couldn’t. I was happy with how I looked and who I was. I stopped looking at my sister as competition and instead saw her as a person I could turn to when my family judged me for my hobby choices.

Through my simple decision to try color guard, I learned a lot. You have to love yourself and what and who loves you back will follow. I found color guard and color guard found me. I found a passion for something so incredible. I found something that made me love myself. And I think that’s the best part of it all. So yeah, I am good enough.

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