Finding who I am: My Bi(g) Pride
My sexuality has been an ongoing battle within myself for a while.
I first started questioning it when I was in eighth grade. When I came to a conclusion, it made sense to me but I felt that I needed to prove it to everyone I came out to, and ultimately, I needed to prove it to myself. Everyday I asked my music teacher questions after school: how to come out, how and when do you really know and so on. She told me that I may just be curious. But it didn’t feel like that at all. Even so, I still doubt myself. Is this just a period in my life? Is this me not knowing myself and opting for this label? There are times when I don’t have all the answers.
It doesn’t help when people ask me questions like:
“So… do you know for sure?”
“What’s it like? Are you attracted to everyone you see?”
“Are you sure you’re not just going through a ‘gay phase?’”
“How could you be certain if you haven’t been with [insert gender]?”
These, along with the common notion that bisexuality isn’t valid, make me question myself constantly. I ask myself these questions and I’ve even doubted whether or not I’m lying to myself about my sexuality. Sometimes I tell myself that my crushes on girls are just admirations, that I’m just a confused straight person. But in my heart of hearts I know I’m not. I know the feeling of having a crush on feminine people feels so different than crushes on more masculine people for a variety of reasons. And I know they’re both more than admiration. I know how I feel but the constant disbelief around me and the struggle to accept it all within me knocks down my faith in my identity.
Nonetheless, I’ve accepted that I’m on the journey I’m on to uncover even more of my sexual and romantic orientations. Doubting myself will never help me progress on this journey. To accept every piece of myself is to keep growing. There is no journey if I doubt my first step. I have to start somewhere. Why not here? Why not accept myself where I am and be proud of who I am?
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