National Roadster Association

America is driving country, and there’s nothing a real American loves more than opening up the throttle and indiscriminately driving over something. But there are sinister forces at work, intent on undermining this God-given right — big government bureaucrats and radical anti-automobile extremists who would take this fundamental freedom away from us.

They advocate such un-Constitutional measures as licensing and mandatory safety lessons and liability insurance and adherence to a whole host of anti-freedom rules involving so-called “speed limits,” “stop lights” and “traffic lanes.” They advocate car-free spaces, calling them “parks” and “sidewalks.” Some even go so far as to demand limiting the use of cars to specific times, replacing them with “public transportation,” like in Europe.

Which is why we are proud to announce the formation of a new automotive advocacy group, to protect your rights as drivers: the National Roadster Association. The National Roadster Association is dedicated to doing everything it can to preserve the unrestricted access to automobiles — everything from a lady-like smart car to a real man’s M113 armored personnel carrier — exactly as the Founding Fathers intended.

The Constitution clearly gives every American the right to pursue happiness, by which it means owning a car. The National Roadster Association is so dedicated to this freedom that its soaring words are emblazoned on the side of our building, with only the parts that are inconvenient to our argument omitted.

The National Roadster Association contributes millions to pro-automotive lawmakers, issuing grades for how well they obey, like good little children. The control we exert is vital for preventing un-American restrictions on car use, such as licensing or registration requirements, or holding manufacturers responsible for the safety of their products, or requiring drivers to carry insurance.

We also use our influence to eliminate funding for biased, anti-car research into pollution, accidents and so-called “death” rates. It’s well-know that seat belts, airbags, impact zones and any form of emission control are the tools of anti-freedom zealots. These limits only encourage reckless driving. A safer car is a more dangerous car.

The National Roadster Association highlights how important car ownership is for personal safety. We encourage our members to keep an automobile running in the garage at all times, so it will be ready when it’s needed. There are supposed “peer-review double-blind scientific studies” — whatever those are — that claim leaving a car running in the garage actually dramatically increases the odds that someone in the home will be killed by that car, but why do you think one of our goals is to prevent research?

There has also been concern recently that cars have been involved in what the biased anti-automobile media has taken to calling “traffic jams.” This is, of course, ridiculous. Cars don’t cause traffic jams, people do. The best way to prevent traffic jams is to put more cars on the road. It’s simple logic.

So that’s the agenda of the National Roadster Association: justified by part of a sentence in the Constitution, we spend millions to to quash research; discourage licensing, registration and training; prevent manufacturer liability or insurance requirements; and advocate for the presence of these devices in every possible location under every possible circumstance. Real Americans can see the sense in this.

The only thing we need is a good abbreviation. Some gun nuts who say crazy things have the obvious one.