I know I shouldn’t be but I’m afraid. You say you love me and I say the same. But I don’t believe it because I don’t believe you. How can someone like you love someone like me? I know if you had the choice you wouldn’t choose me. I’ve hurt you so many times. I’m not the kind of guy you like. But still you say you love me. And at the beginning, I die a little bit when I hear it. Because I was so sure I was not worthy. All my insecurities prevented me from accepting your affection. I am broken and imperfect. And I realize this every time I see and I think of you. I want you to genuinely want me. But that can’t happen unless I turn into someone else entirely — a stronger, richer, more macho, more handsome, taller, and bigger guy, like the ones you’ve been with. I’m nothing but an achiever from a forgotten time.

Everything was so overwhelming and I thought of ending it all together. But I didn’t want to lose you. I may not be sure that I truly love you but I know it will kill me to see you go. Is that what love is? To be always afraid of not being worthy? To be always afraid of being left behind by the person that cares deeply for you? I don’t have butterflies in my stomach or maybe I don’t have them yet or worse, maybe I will never have them. I’m afraid. Maybe this isn’t really love. But I know I feel something. I just don’t know what it is. And I think it’s not love. But what is it?

I’m different now. I don’t die a little when I hear you say I love you. You’ve helped me deal with my insecurities by telling me I’m the perfect guy for you. I know it’s not true but I hang on to it and it makes everything okay. I know I can have you and I know I can make you happy. But it’s still unclear to me if all of this is because I love you.

I wanted so bad to say I love you every time silence cuts between us. But I told myself I’ll only say them once I’m already sure. But you said it first and I did not want to hurt you. And so I said it back. And I can’t not say it anymore. Sometimes I can’t stop myself from wanting to tell you those words every time I see you or before I hang up the phone. Because I see how happy you are when I say, “I love you.” And it makes me happy to know you are happy as well.

You were a risk at the beginning. And I tried so hard to deny everything. But you’ve pulled me in like no one ever did. I’m afraid I can never get away from you. I may not be sure whether I love you or not but when I say those words they mean ‘I’m afraid.’ I’m afraid of losing you and making you unhappy. I want to stay by your side and I don’t care if I’m unsure about how I feel.

Can someone tell me that what I feel is love? Because I’m afraid.

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