WP2: First-Gen Voices: An Interactive and Artistic Analysis: Exhibit 2. A Musical Analysis
Inside the First-Gen Mind (full playlist)
As the saying goes, music speaks louder than anything. Beyond simple speech, words and melodies are able to blend together to convey deep feelings. Visual elements, like music videos, are able to elaborate on stories even further. This playlist represents the complex sentiments of a first-generation student. While the songs individually may not capture the true essence of a first-gen experience, the sentiments added together portray an accurate–though not complete–representation of a first-generation student, or at least my thoughts on being a first-generation student.
Note: “Start Line” by 3RACHA is unavailable on Spotify. See Musi link above a for full playlist.
Analyses
Marshmello — Alone
In the music video, Marshmello enters high school feeling outcast due to his different appearance–even to the extent of being bullied. He finds comfort in going home and making music in his garage. When the people at school realize his passion, he begins to be accepted into friend groups. He finds community in those similar to him (symbolized by those wearing the Marshmello masks).
I remember first entering USC worried that I could never find my community. How easy is it to find first-gen students who are from the Bay Area, from a low-income family, majoring in engineering, music fans, Chinese American etc.? Individually, though, it becomes easier. I remember telling club interviewers why I was interested in their specific club. In a way, the clubs I join represent a small and different piece of me. In joining the first-generation mentorship program, I was able to find a mentor who shared similar interests as me and could show me how to navigate my academics (and also LA). Likewise, in joining other clubs, I’ve felt as if I’ve found small communities, and in being a part of everything added together, I know I have some place to turn to. Just like Marshmello in the music video, I also had to make my passions and interests apparent, which can be scary as a first generation student. Sometimes I am worried that I am just too different to get along with people who seem to know everything about college. There is a battle to stand out and know everything as a college student, but I’ve discovered my passions (in music, set designing, Chinese culture, etc.) to feel confident that I’ll never be alone.
#community #passion #clubs #representation
Marshmello — Moving On
In the music video, Marshmello graduates high school and bids his friends farewell. He initially feels sad at the fact he will be leaving familiar faces and old routines. At 0:28–for the slightest second– the camera shows what Marshmello is experiencing in college, unfamiliarity and isolation, almost like his initial high school experience in “Alone”. The music video then flickers back to present time where he is still signing yearbooks and saying goodbye. This quick transition reveals how parallel certain experiences in life can be. Just when seniors graduate from high school, they become freshmen again. At the end of the music video, he throws his graduation robe, accepting the fact that he must move on.
Just like my analysis of “Start Line” by 3RACHA, a first-gen student could interpret this music video as the moving away from familiarity (just when you begin to familiarize yourself) into unfamiliarity. I remember by the end of my senior year, I felt accomplished that I was able to discover so much about myself and handle the multitude of college apps, exams, club leaderships, and maxed-out classes that freshman year me could never even begin to imagine. I remember holding low expectations for myself in late middle school to early high school, all because I wanted to use being first generation as an excuse. I remember thinking “it’s normal if you can’t accomplish much because others had a head start”. Looking back, I realized how discouraging this mindset was, but it only made me more proud of myself in senior year. Like how the music video depicts, just when I thought I was in my groove, I’m moving away to SoCal for college, where I need to rebuild my confidence again. The discouraging thought often comes back to haunt me, even more than before because I’m in class with kids of billionaires and PhDs. I am confident, however, that my journey of tackling this mindset will be different than that in my high school years, and if my experiences are really parallel, I’ll eventually move on.
#parallels #confidence #graduation #start
3RACHA — Start Line
In this song, 3RACHA discusses their journey as k-pop idol trainees–living lifestyles that are physically and mentally taxing. At the same time, they recognize how far they have come by themselves with distant support from their families, and that giving up would be a waste of effort. They discuss how their start of their new path–from being a student to becoming a trainee–is “a little scary”. Because it is a path that defies expectations of high school students going to university and getting a degree, this journey places a heavy burden on the trainees to be able to support themselves and achieve their dreams.
Being a first-generation student could be interpreted similarly. In J.One’s verse, he says “I already miss it, getting scolded by the teacher for dozing off in class” and “Even with all the congratulations, I can’t smile, I’m afraid I’ll miss it too much”. I remember feeling bittersweet about graduating high school, not in the sense I’d miss the memories I created in high school, but that I was leaving a familiar environment where I had established relationships with the friends and teachers who helped me. Throughout my academic journey–finding what my passions, strengths, and weaknesses were, and “looking for the road that’s right for me”–I was often on my own. In the end, I’m the person who knows myself best. In fact, the search for my road still continues, and my “start line” means rebuilding connections with people who can help me and also handling my mental health in a new environment. My graduation from high school was “not even halfway” towards my destination. My hard work as a first-generation student never stops; there are always new opportunities that I have to encounter alone.
#graduation #start #path #dreams
Duncan Laurence — Stars
Duncan Laurence discusses his experience of moving to Los Angeles to pursue his career in his song “Stars”. In a sense, his work life has become mixed with his home, almost like a hometown identity crisis. He confuses Hollywood with his home, as sung in the bridge. He states in the pre-chorus, “it would’ve been selfless if [he] stayed…but [he’s] living here selfish in LA”, revealing that he feels as if staying home would have made his family happier, and because the choice was in hands and he chose one that satisfied him, he believes it was a selfish act.
Like Duncan Laurence, I often feel as if I made a selfish decision in attending college far away from my family when I had options closer to home. As a first-gen student and only child, much of my life has revolved around my family; they’re the people who have sacrificed so much to support me and my education and I’ve felt the need to repay them. When I used to lock myself in my room, doing assignments and projects my parents didn’t know about, I was still aware that I could eventually leave my room and spend family time. Now, I can’t leave that workspace so easily. When I told them I decided to go to USC rather than UC Berkeley or UC Davis, they had a bittersweet expression. They were proud I was even able to have impressive options to choose from–among which were USC–but they were also worried about letting me go. Now as a USC student, I often feel as if I’ve confused home and school. My 24/7 is now at USC. I don’t eat dinner with my parents, the people who I’ve had an emotional attachment to. My work life has become more independent than ever, to the point where I’ve been too busy to miss home. This song also has a cultural interpretation. When I am not with my family, my sense of personal cultural connection becomes weaker, almost like I have no choice but to comply with the one(s) at school. Part of my fear as a first-gen student is that I’ll be so caught up in my work life that I forget to treasure family and my familial identity.
#homesick #culture #movingaway #family
Ruth B. — Lost Boy
In “Lost Boy”, Ruth B. accounts for her experience in combating loneliness through the perspectives of Peter Pan and the setting of a fantasy novel. She encounters Peter Pan who “[promises] that [she’ll] never be lonely” and helps her find her home in Neverland. He teaches her to “believe in him and believe in [herself]”. She realizes that Peter Pan has helped her rediscover the meaning of family and acceptance when she says “Lost boys like me are free”. In her interview with Idolator, she explains how important it is for “lost boys” to depend on friends–or even one friend. One person can turn the life of another’s completely around in simply being present and a source of happiness.
I’ve felt like a lost boy when classmates around me would talk about how their parents met in college or how they run businesses for a living. They would tell me how their parents did all their college financial aid work while I was given papers with numbers and my laptop with the FAFSA tab opened. Through the midst of this, I found comfort in friends who shared similar struggles as me or even friends who were able to sympathize with my struggles. We would complain about how tedious things were, we would celebrate when we figured out how something worked. I also had friends who could pull me away from my work once in a while to have fun. There were friends who struggled less than I did during college applications season, but recognized that, and invited me to destress with them. I feel less like a lost boy when I know that there are people beside me who are able to offer help in any way they can.
#loneliness #friends #lost #understandment
Stray Kids — Slump
In “Slump”, Stray Kids discusses the feelings of being in a slump–feeling behind from everyone else, the fear of being behind and alone, and the helplessness that comes when trusted people turn away and succeed. In the pre-chorus, they sing “We used to walk together down this winding road, but you’re so far ahead, it seems impossible to catch up”, revealing how they placed faith in the other person to be by their side, but they have gone far ahead. There was a moment when the speaker “used to be a winner” but now they’re “afraid [they’ll] be left stranded by [themselves]”. Like how people have their moments of accomplishments, there are exists moments of feeling lost–Because they have lost the person who’s motivated them, the speaker needs to motivate themselves now:“‘Come on, I know you can do it’
I have to repeat it again and again”. They also need to “[tell themselves] that [they] did a good job”. The transition from a shared journey to one that is solo is a test of one’s independence and mental fortitude.
As a first-gen student, I have constantly felt behind compared to my friends who know how to choose classes, how to fit in with trends, how to find passions… I’ve felt “betrayed” when people who have seemed to struggle like me find a sudden boost in help or accomplishment. Like many feelings I’ve described in these analyses, it’s a bittersweet feeling. On one hand, I am happy their hard work paid off. On the other hand, I feel incapable–did I not work hard enough? Am I doing everything wrong? Did they hide their capabilities from me, just so they could sympathize/pity me? When people you’ve sympathized with suddenly turn away or seem so different from you, it becomes a “survival of the fittest” mission. I remember telling myself I had to get myself together and stop believing everyone–including friends, teachers, and even family–would always be there for me. There are times when people don’t care if you failed a test, even if it means so much to you. In the end, I’m in control of my own life (like in the lyrics I wrote) and I’ve learned that self-motivation is crucial towards my success.
#independence #selfmotivation #helplessness #loneliness
Stray Kids — For You/Mixtape 3
In “For You” or “Mixtape 3”, Stray Kids conveys the message of being a student (specifically a high school student) and the stresses of dedicating our lives to doing work. Even “during break, my mind and heart is restless obviously”. “For 4380 days, you’ve been…Running out of the room which locked you in all night”. Even after exams and assignments are accomplished, there is peer pressure to share grades and compare ourselves. They sing, “just please stop asking how I did it, Cause my markings on my papers tell me that I’m really useless”. These lines show how repetitive and confining student life can be, from taking breaks to taking exams to celebrating afterwards. It is difficult to enjoy the process and believe that all of this is part of a path that will lead towards success when the academic system is so rigid and penalizing.
This song was one of my main sources of motivation throughout high school; I even had a letter box that spelled out the title that I’d keep on my desk, just so I could remind myself to turn to the song whenever I’d feel stressed. I felt understood by the song; I would lock myself in my room, then take a break while thinking about work. My parents couldn’t even imagine what I’d be stressed about. It was just something I had to handle as a first-gen student–being sucked in by work, trying to make my parents proud, and then defining my worth with a number. I couldn’t define my worth through my parents who were already proud of my efforts and probably experienced immigrant challenges I couldn’t understand. I felt useless when I remembered they could accomplish so much and I couldn’t even score a 90 on a math test. At the same time, being able to take that math test was already something beyond my parents’ experiences–something I should be proud of. Self-worth and academics were always mixed together, but I eventually learned how to recognize the accomplishments I’ve already achieved.
#academics #selfworth #school #studentlife
Troye Sivan (ft. BROODS) — Ease
Similar to “Stars” by Duncan Laurance”, Troye Sivan discusses being overwhelmed with work life that he wishes he could “go back to the basics and the simple life”. He remembers what has given him the feeling of ease–home and his mom’s lullabies. He feels the need to hide his struggles, especially when his mom calls him asking how he’s doing. It can be shocking to realize that what we miss in the midst of juggling a myriad of tasks is just the simple things, and that in front of family, it is difficult to admit that we can’t handle something.
Even the second line hits home: “And my mummy, she can’t put down the phone, and stop asking how I’m doing all alone”. My parents were worried about sending me away to college; after all, they don’t understand that experience. The idea of living at a school, going to class everyday, and ending the day back at school (in LA too) was such a foreign idea. While my parents and I call to discuss the weather, how I’m eating, etc., I simply wish the talk of school could be less. I miss being in high school where I could turn to my family and rant about my day at school. Now, I don’t have the feeling of home right by my fingertips. As a first-generation student, it can be especially difficult to admit I don’t know how to do something. Even as of now, I still don’t want to tell my parents I have no clue what to minor in. This is because I don’t want them to be even more worried about me; I’m in an environment far away from home where I don’t even know what to do. Much of my family’s worry is already due to distance; I don’t want to add my confusion and lack of confidence onto that. After all, part of the first-generation experience is trying to prove yourself capable without the need for your family, even if it means sacrificing communication.
#family #worry #communication #hide
Imagine Dragons — On Top of the World
Imagine Dragons depicts the feeling of accomplishment through their song “On Top of the World”. They’ve “had the highest mountains…[and] the deepest rivers”, even “[cutting] corners..[and taking] the easy way out”. Like how they’ve succeeded immensely in the music industry, they’ve also had their fair share of struggles like any artist–needing to build their popularity from ground zero, sacrificing a standard work life for music, etc. Being able to overcome these obstacles, they feel as if they’re “on top of the world” and that their childhood dreams have finally come true.
As a first-generation student, I’ve felt extreme feelings of my successes and failures. A C+ could make me doubt my capabilities and feel useless. On the other hand, being accepted into so many nice colleges made me feel “on top of the world”. I felt that my hard work and being alone in the process made the result much more well-earned. Being a first-gen comes with the burden of battling such polar feelings. With my given circumstances, I could easily feel helpless in doing poorly on an exam, but at the same time, I could feel extremely proud of myself when I accomplish my goals. Like the song conveys, I’ve had my highest highs and lowest lows, and I’ve found shortcuts on my path. Now, I’m a college student at USC, something I’ve “been dreaming of…since [I was] a child”.
#dreams #accomplishments #celebrate #confidence