It is a tough path to tread. Having been on antidepressants for most of my life, I cannot actually remember what it is like to feel. Even the depression feels comfortable now, like an old friend. I don’t feel happy, sad, angry or anything else for that matter. Even when relationships ended, and people died, I didn’t feel sad. I just tossed that box into the back of my mind and moved on. I found it odd, but it just didn’t register. I think I’ve cried twice in the past 10 years or so. The last time was when I picked up a dying dog that had been run over by a car. I didn’t feel sad because the dog was dying, but because it was left to die alone with no one to care for it. I am not sure why that made me cry, but it just did. I suppose pathetically sad moments make me cry. I also can also no longer feel love. I know I used to feel it intensely, but now, I just cannot register anything. I know “logically” that I love my family and my girlfriend, but I just cannot feel the pleasure of that love. It’s very strange. You are fully aware of your own numbness, but like anything that gets numbed to pain, you sometimes wonder if it’s still there. I want to feel again, but I know if the fog lifts, depression will come back tenfold.