If my body is a temple, why do you dishonour it? 

“If ANYTHING is sacred, the human body is sacred.” ~Walt Whitman

I was listening to an interview on Thursday that spurred an emotional response. At first I wasn’t quite sure why what she was saying was annoying me so much. After reflection, I realized it was her complete disregard that what she was saying might be contributing to rape culture. Even after receiving backlash and was asked if she had changed her mind, she said no.

Emily Yoffee was talking about an important issue that needs to be talked about — binge drinking especially with young adults. It is a major issue with high school and university students across North America. There are serious health risks associated with it. We need to teach young adults to drink responsibly for a variety of reasons including: health, ability to make sound decisions (e.g. not driving), and, yes, so they are aware of your surroundings and potential harm.My issue is definitely not with that topic.

The focus of the article was on how binge drinking increased your chances of being sexually assaulted and put the responsibility (and thus potential blame) on women. In fact, the title: “The Best Rape Prevention: Tell College Women to Stop Getting So Wasted”.

Perhaps it is simply another example of media using sensationalized headlines to get attention in a crowded media landscape. Perhaps.

**

As women most of us are taught from a very early age to be aware. We are hyper-sensitive to our surroundings: who is around us, where are we, what time is it, and where are our friends (in case we need them). We are taught to watch our drinks (or else someone might drug us), not to walk home late at night (else someone might attack us), and to check in with our friends/family often so they know we are safe. When we go out with friends we keep an eye out for each other. We know which of our friends is likely to over-indulge, we leave someone with the drinks to watch over it, and we don’t let our friends leave with “certain” guys.

When we walk down the street and hear someone behind us or coming toward us, we immediately go into “fight or flight” mode. Our heart is racing and we develop our exit strategy. We make mental note of the buildings/houses around us and which we may be able to run to for safety. We mentally kick ourselves for choosing the heels instead of the more practical shoes which would have made running easier. Of course, the heels may come in handy in a fight. If it’s dark out, this is what is going through our mind. This is our reality. We all have our stories, some are uglier than others.

I truly believe that most men are decent human beings and don’t ever want to make a woman feel that way. But they don’t grow up with these messages and aren’t even aware it is an issue. They have never had to walk a mile in a pair of heels at 11 pm. When I posted this on my personal FB page, I male friend PM’d me. He recalled a time when he was the person walking behind a woman. He was walking fast and gaining on her. He could feel her nervousness as he passed her. And her relief as he continued on. He never thought about it before. He never thought about how she felt or what must have been going through her mind. Perhaps when in a similar situation, he will respond differently. Knowing him, I am sure he will.

Unfortunately, these lessons we teach our daughters are a necessary part of living in this world. Women are at risk of being sexually and physically assaulted, and young women are at a higher risk. For most women, this is just our “common sense”. But we need to bring awareness to this issue on a wider landscape. With awareness, hopefully men can find empathy. And with empathy, perhaps a solution.

**

I included the quote at the top because the paradox is not lost on me. As women we are taught to treat our bodies like temples — to honour, protect, and respect it. Our bodies are sacred. Often we are chastised by our male family and community members when we do anything that may dishonour it. Yet, it is most often these same people that are our abusers and mistreat our bodies. We are taught to honour our bodies, but what are they taught?

**

We live in a society that supports and promotes rape culture. Where victims are blamed based on: what they look like, how they dress, where they are walking, who they are with, and whether or not they have been drinking alcohol or doing drugs. We demonize and victimize the women and protect and justify the actions of the perpetrators.

And this type of thinking is supported by the mainstream including other women. We don’t even realize we are doing it OR we do and don’t care. We hear about a woman that we know that has been sexual assaulted and we immediately think “Oh yeah, but she’s such a slut.” or “She was so drunk it’s no wonder something happened to her.” We are conditioned by our society. Most comments supported Emily’s article and even saw it as female empowerment; encouraging women to take control of their lives (by limiting risky behaviour). These thoughts are victim-blaming and remove the accountability off men and onto women. If we are not vigilante in our behaviour, then we are to blame for the illegal actions of another.

It is because of this culture that young woman who are raped are then bullied and shamed repeatedly — by law enforcement, her family and friends, and her extended community. There are few places she can go for support and understanding. It is the reason why we have young girls taking their lives. The ridiculousness of the situation is we then stand up and scream how bullying is wrong and we need stronger laws against it. How those that bullied her should be reprimanded. When do we take a good look in the mirror and recognize that we created and support the culture that allowed it to happen in the first place. That it didn’t start with the bullying — that was the aftermath.

Violence against women is seen as a women’s issue not a men’s issue. We don’t teach our sons how to respect women, what consent is, and how to effectively deal with emotions. Instead, we teach our daughters to be aware, to be fearful, to be hyper-vigilant. We teach them to honour their bodies and if something is done against them, to feel shame. This is part of our cultural landscape placing the responsibility solely on women.

Is Emily Yoffe suggesting that if you go to university and don’t binge drink that you are less likely to be sexually assaulted? I wish that were the case, but it is not. Are there examples of women being raped who are drunk? Of course. There are also examples of women walking down the street who get sexually assaulted. Or the woman who goes on a date with the boy-next-door and gets sexually assaulted. And there are the women who go to work and get sexually assaulted. And let’s not forget the women living at home who are raped. None of these other examples can be explained away by binge drinking.

There are several reasons why women (and men) shouldn’t binge drink. Let’s teach responsible drinking –YES! Absolutely, we need to teach and be role models of healthy relationships to drugs and alcohol.

And then we can get to the work of teaching our young men how treat women respectfully.

In the meantime, let’s keep the victim blaming to a minimum.

**

PS. She makes reference to drunk frat boys on more than one occasion in the article. In defense of frat boys everywhere, not all are drunken, abusive asses. Stereotypes and over-generalizations don’t help anyone.

Links:

Interview (Q on CBC Radio)

Original Article (Emily Yoffee at Slate)

Response (Think Progress)

Shame (Brene Brown)