Anticipatory Grief, and Living Life That Feels “On hold.”

I’ve been reflecting on this time last year when my family and I first found out that my dad had stage 3 pancreatic cancer. With a terrifying prognosis of 3–6 months, it was this time last year that I had to start understanding that my dad was going to die. At the same time, I had to have hope he wouldn’t, at least not so soon.

Once you accept the possibility, though, you begin to grieve. It’s a type of grief called “anticipatory” — grieving the loss of someone who is still alive. And as real as that is, anticipatory grief includes a lot more than that.

For me, it was a period of regular questioning and concern. The only family member living at the other side of the country, I would constantly wonder:

What can I do from here? Do I stay or do I go? How and where do I spend this time that still feels normal? How long of “normal” is remaining? Will doing this or that cause me regret?

The thoughts were not only of losing my dad, but, self-absorbingly, of losing myself. On having to come to terms with my life being irrevocably changed. On figuring out how to strike the balance of accepting what is, hoping that what is may change, while living life “as is” until it does.

As much as the anticipatory period is focused on the care of our loved…