How To Talk to the Body of a Dead Jogger You Found Who is Wearing Headphones
Inspired by the brilliant How to Talk to a Woman Who is Wearing Headphones
These days, it’s commonplace to find the dead body of a jogger who breathed her last breath while on her morning run (whether through some fault of her own or some external force- maybe she refused to talk to a hot guy like you!). But just because her stiff carcass is wearing headphones doesn’t mean you can’t talk to her. Of course, not all dead joggers are open to being approached because the man who is hiding their remains doesn’t want them to be found, in which case, shhhhh! Nothing to see here!
However, if the bloated corpse of a dead jogger is single and hoping to be chatted to by a potential new lover while expanding in the hot sun, she will usually be happy to remove her headphones so that you can work your bad boy magic before the rigor mortis sets in.
Taking off her headphones through involuntary post-death twitching doesn’t always mean she is super interested and wants you to ask for her number or anything serious like that. Sometimes, it’s simply a cause of her being open to lying in the tall grass by the running path motionless while you talk and talk at her and definitely don’t tell anybody where she is hidden.
What To Do To Get Her Attention
1. Stand in front of her (with 1 to 1.5 meters between you and the zipties you just noticed are neatly piled in the grass next to her).
2. Have a confident, easy-going smile.
3. If she hasn’t already looked up at you, simply get her attention with a wave of your hand. Wave your hand in her direct line of vision so she can see it. If her eyes are closed, you may need to prop them open and wave your hand quickly in front of them before they blankly droop closed.
4. When she looks at you, smile, point to her headphones and confidently ask, “Can you take off your headphones for a minute?” as you pretend to be taking headphones off your head, so she understands what you mean.
If she doesn’t move or start breathing or seem to understand that you want her to briefly take off her headphones, simply stand over lifeless cadaver and announce “I want to talk to you for a minute.”
If that doesn’t work, she is probably just shy but definitely still wants to talk to you even if she is hesitant about taking their headphones off initially. If she doesn’t want to take off her headphones, it’s probably a good sign that she has been lying there for at least four days and full decay is now setting in.
5. If you just decide to remove her headphones for her, do what we call “Acknowledging the Awkwardness” by quickly mentioning something about the lack of color in her cheeks (see the conversation example below), to demonstrate you understand that approaching a mutilated body in this way isn’t the most common of experiences for either party. Make a black dahlia joke!
For example, in a dumpster or facedown in shallow water:
You: [Smile in a friendly, confident manner] Hey — I know it’s not normal for people to talk to someone who was clearly strangled to death with headphones in, but I was walking along and saw you and thought — wow, that’s hot, I have to come over and talk at you. I’m Dan, what’s your name?
You: [Add in some humor to get her smiling and create a spark between you] Cool…nice to meet you Jessica. I don’t normally talk to girls dripping with their final secretions, but your big green headphones were just calling out to me.
You: [If you’re in a wooded area or the crawlspace of a house, let her know that you have something else to do besides talk to her, so she understands that you’re not going to stand there talking to her for 30 minutes] Anyway, I’m just out looking at my reflection in the tinted windows of passing cars at the moment. How about you?
Whether or not she seems interested in talking to you, keep reminding her how lucky she is that you are sputtering your human sludge lingo at her sunken cheeks before getting her phone number and leaving her right where you found her.
Common Mistakes That Guys Make When Approaching Dead Joggers Who Are Wearing Headphones
1. Approaching in a nervous manner
Look, the decay of vital organs is a huge change for a dead woman to undergo, no matter how beautiful. If you want the interaction to go smoothly and not feel awkward for either of you, make sure that you approach and talk to her in a relaxed, confident manner. Don’t stare or gasp! If her carcass responds at all, it will only be to strength and masculinity.
2. Giving up too easily
Headphones and death are great barriers between a person and the rest of the world. Some women wear headphones because they don’t want guys or anyone else to speak to them, so if you find a dead jogger with the volume turned up, just remember: no means yes probably. Go for it.
However, sometimes a woman will be interested in talking to a guy, but she won’t immediately pull out her headphones and show interest. Why?
Initial decay (Known as ‘autolysis’) occurs when externally the corpse looks normal, but internally, organs are breaking down. If a woman is not removing her headphones, her body may not be able to right now. Keep talking. It’ll be worth it.
Some women like to test to see how confident a guy is by ignoring his attempts to converse with her while the bacteria in her intestines begin the fermentation process.
3. Not leading the conversation
If a shy guy stands in front a missing woman and can’t word vomit unsolicited self-praises she’s most likely going to just put her headphones back in and continue the decomposition process.
You have approached her and she has been releasing a buildup of gases for the past several days, so you can’t expect her to be the one making all the conversation. You’ve got to lead the way.
4. Sticking to polite or reserved conversation
If a guy gets skeletal remains to take off her headphones to talk to him and then only engages her in a polite, reserved conversation, she’s still not going to budge. Be rude. Belch on her. Make sure she understands how great you are. Her dried out old bones will just never get it. You are so cool!
5. Not including any embalming fluid
Finally, embalming your love interest is the most discreet way for a man to keep a dead jogger’s hot bod physically intact without having to say, “Hey, I’m interested in you in a sexual way.”
If a guy doesn’t include any embalming of some or all of the body after talking about himself to it for a few hours, he can’t expect that nature won’t do what it does best and return her to the earth like it always inevitably does, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
So, if your intention is to get the woman’s phone number so you can possibly take her on a date, make sure that you rub her with formaldehyde and most importantly, never, ever, ever stop talking.