Gin and Tonic

by Isabel

I just read that Bombay Sapphire Dry Gin is being recalled for having double the alcohol content it should have had.

Yes right. Like somebody will go and return their Gin for having too much alcohol content, in this day and age, when every single drink out there has TOO LITTLE alcohol. And when Donald Trump is president and the world is going to hell as we speak!

In fact, although I rarely drink gin of any kind, just as I read the news that gin is being recalled, I went straight to my liquor cabinet to see if I happen to have a bottle of Sapphire Dry Gin. And of course I do. A nice blue bottle, left over from a party or who knows when with a few inches of gin left in it.

Now I have no idea if this is from the same batch with the lucky amount of double alcohol that they are recalling in Canada or wherever, but I am going to pretend that it is, especially because I happen to have plenty of lime lying around the kitchen counter, leftover from the Blue Apron box from two weeks ago. The thing is that the lime is always forgotten, the one ingredient I always neglect to prepare in time to hit my Blue Apron meal as I am too busy trying not to burn the pistachio crusted chicken, while chopping the scallions (and separating the white parts form the green parts), watching the freekah, and preparing the lebnehm cheese. Yes I do all these things and at the same time drink wine and make rice in the rice cooker for my vegetarian son who doesn’t eat vegetables.

And have the computer screen propped on top of the coffee machine, which is obviously turned OFF at dinner time. Not the computer. The coffee machine. Like … who would be so stupid as to put their perfectly good Apple computer on top of a hot coffee machine? Ok, I did that a few times. But the computer was totally fine.

I also spilled coffee on the keyboard and all that happened was that the number 9 and the O keys stopped working forever and that is only because I didn’t have enough rice to dip the computer in. I only have enough rice for an iPhone.

All I had to do to fix this problem is to get one of those wireless keyboards that costs a fortune, but is still less than what Apple would have charged for a hypothetical repair, I imagine. In reality they said that at this point of life, in 2017, they wouldn’t even repair it as my computer is considered VINTAGE. That’s polite for JUNK in Apple Language.

Anyway, the reason I have that computer in the kitchen all the time, is because I am waiting for Donald Trump to not be president anymore, so I have CNN on BREAKING NEWS pretty much all the time, except when I am on my bike, then I listen to NPR radio or BBC radio. So far nothing has come out of it.

I want life to go back to normal when Donald is just a character on a reality TV show that doesn’t concern me or the guy who builds ugly buildings on Riverside Drive that annoy all the old people who bought co-op apartments with a view in the 1990s on West End Avenue, except that they now have no view, only the ugly Trump towers in front of them.

I have no idea what these towers look like inside, but from the outside, they are horrid: just big ugly sorry ass unimaginative jokes. Have you ever seen a Trump tower that looks good on the outside? Of course not! Why would you? This idiot is not concerned with making things look pleasant for the rest of us. He wants us to look at his brown and gray Communist party type constructions while he, from the inside, is looking at breathtaking views of the Hudson river and … New Jersey.

Okay. That last part is not so breathtaking, but then again, they say that if you look far far inside New Jersey with binoculars, you can see forests and mountains and all kinds of forgotten beauties, called NATURE. Eagles and Hawks and all types of birds that here in New York City we call “exotic.” Never heard of. So rare, that once, when a hawk made a nest on Fifth Avenue, the paparazzi started following him and reporting on him on page 6. Last night the hawk killed three pigeons and might have attacked a canary on East 87th and Park.

Anyway. The gin is delicious. It has the right amount of everything. And I happen to have “fever tree tonic” in my fridge. We don’t buy Schweppes tonic anymore. We pay 7 times as much for the fever tree kind. And it is impossible to find this type of tonic in New York City. That’s why I have it in my fridge. I am the master of finding things that are impossible to find.

I have no idea what fever tree is. I suppose I should google it after I am done googling the death of Princess Leia and her mother. But I personally happen to know that in Sweden people drink Schweppes WHEN they have a fever. And eat ice cream. They do. They don’t go near tea or chicken soup when they have a fever. I am not sure if that’s the same type of fever this tonic is all about, but there is no way I am returning my gin bottle before it is ready for recycling.