This is the ugly side of depression
This is the ugly side of depression (there is a pretty one). The side that everyone is uncomfortable talking about. Whenever you tell someone you suffer from it they’re first reaction always is ‘oh’ or no reaction at all, so someone else changes the subject. Is kind of funny actually, to see them that uncomfortable as if it is some kind of taboo.
That is one of the reasons I don’t like talking about my depression, not even my best friend could act cool about it, you can tell she doesn’t know what to say and she just stares with a ‘I feel sorry for you but I can’t think of anything to say because I haven’t even experienced what empathy is’ face. Also because it is weird to talk about it, I don’t want anyone to know how messed up I am, I rather put make up on it.
The side of what I am talking about is suicide. People tend to think that when someone is this damaged they’re worried you might hurt yourself, which is actually true, but it takes a confusing process to start thinking about suicide.
What I mean is that you start asking yourself things like ‘why am I even here?’, ‘how is it possible to feel so miserable and not feeling a thing at the same time?’, ‘how do I do to not be here anymore?, ‘am I really thinking about commiting suicide?, ‘how would I do that?’. These are just a few thoughts that go through my mind when I think of taking my life.
Shortly after that, it becomes pretty normal to have thoughts like ‘should I commit suicide with cyanide or sleeping pills?’, ‘or maybe I should just jump of a bridge or crash my car at a very high speed’, all of this after googling ‘ways to commit suicide harmlessly’. It is kind of ironic to look for ways to take your life but don’t want to suffer while doing it, I tend to think we suicidals can’t have it both ways (‘don’t we all?’ you might say.)
Every time I experience desire of wanting to kill myself it is strongly related to when something bad happens, perhaps when my father gives no hope of help when he says I am trying to manipulate him when I cry in front of him begging for help and trying to explain what is wrong with me when I can’t even explain it to myself.
But don’t be misled by this only statement, I also experience this when I am not feeling anything at all, laying in bed, thinking about this chemistry teacher I had in high school who gave me a C that one time or when I went to the store and find out there was no milk and cried. Instantly after those thoughts, the one of committing suicide starts to hunt me until I am too tired to think about it but have enough strength to go to my laptop and find ways of getting a gun and make this easier for everybody and just shoot myself.
I know it sounds ugly, hey, I warned you about this. Which for me it is pretty fulfilling to be this raw and direct when I talk about my depression, which is one of the advantages this fucker has.
Do you know how people say that if you ever feel like crying you should so you feel relieved afterwards? Well, that is the worst lie I have ever heard. See, everytime I cry, it feels like I haven’t cried a tear ever since I was born, like I have gallons of tears behind my eyes just waiting its moment to pour out of me. After I finished drying myself out, I experience this feeling of unbearable exhaustion, weighing-down sadness, and loneliness. I mean, what is relieving about that? The whole journey is a highway to deeper depression.
Can I just say how irritating and annoying optmistic people are? I always feel like shutting my Facebook page down just to stop seeing so many marriage proposals, people travelling, inspirational quotes attached to a picture that has nothing to do with it, it makes me sick seeing those people hiding all of their issues.
