You cannot live in Lagos and not have content. I’m not referring to the dinner at that fancy restaurant on Victoria Island. Let’s keep that for the rich girls’ show we put up on IG.
When I speak of content, I refer to the madness that manifest on the streets of Lagos. I’m having my fair share of these, sometimes as a spectator, other times, as a nominal participant. But despite these, I find myself loving the city and laughing through my confusion.
Just the other day, whilst seated in one of the danfos that ply the lanes, I looked out of the window, as I usually do. This time around, my eyes fell on the walkway reserved for pedestrians.
There was a crowd, as it’s the usual sight in Lagos. But amidst this disorder, I saw a unique spec of madness.
A funny-looking man with a very colourful mask held a long cane. I’ll quickly calculate that he was a masquerade. A masquerade in April. Interesting. I thought masquerades were reserved for the end of year festivities
But that’s not all.
My eyes spotted a reserved-looking girl, dressed in her denim and polo, casually strolling by. From her mannerisms, you could guess she was a calm person and I suspect that this masquerade profiled her to be a good prey for his tactics. And so, the drama unfolds.
He proceeds to block her way. She tries to avoid him, but he’s persistent. She goes left, he goes left. She goes right, he goes right. She stops and gestured – what is it?
The masquerade motions for money by stretching out his right hand and opens his palms. Then, he holds her hands while she struggles to wiggle free. More drama ensues and he brings out his long cane.
Now, what do we call this? A masquerade harassment? Or a beggar’s ploy?
Another day, a colleague warned that I should avoid crossing the four-lane highway. Instead, I should use the pedestrian bridge provided.
I could tell he was speaking from experience but I didn’t have to guess for long because he volunteered his story.
A young man, probably in his late twenties, well-dressed with his ears plugged. It’s a bright Tuesday morning and he just alighted from a danfo to join other pedestrians crossing the road to the other side. Unfortunately for him, it wasn’t his lucky day.
While making an attempt to cross, some uniformed men sprung out of thin air and pounced on him. Obviously, he was the unfortunate prey, chosen out of the pack of erring pedestrians.
According to him, “when I was about crossing, a man walked up to me. I thought he was one of those corporate beggars who walk up to you to solicit for money. So I ignored him and attempted to continue my business. Before I could blink my eye, I was surrounded. I’ll later find out that they were men from a ‘paramilitary’ called KAI – Kick against Indiscipline. Their job is to kick against indisciplined acts such as crossing highways where bridges have been provided.”
Long story short, my guy was pulled into a blue version of a Black Maria and taken to a station. His offence was crossing the road when a bridge was provided. After several attempts at negotiating, his account got an unplanned debit of thirty thousand naira.
Whenever I see this man who usually hangs a tag that reads – National Deaf and Dumb Association of Nigeria and many other illegible words, I always think, is this a convincing ID card? Anyone could print that, hang it on their necks and make a career out of begging.
You won’t blame me. Many scenes from Nollywood movies are messing with my mind.
I notice all sorts of deformities on the streets. I notice how they line up as early as 7:00 am and to be honest, it’s their punctuality for me. It’s the way the consistently show up every morning.
We get to our destination and I expect the bus to stop. It kept rolling while I sat waiting for the tyres to come to a halt. It rolled. I waited. After some seconds, my brain received the memo. I live in Lagos. Buses don’t stop for you to alight as a responsible being. You must be a hoodlum and jump off a moving vehicle.
Ironically, while trying to make the jump, the driver throws a ‘be kiaafu’. In my mind, such kindness.
Postscript: As you can tell, I’m still adjusting to my new life in this city and I hope to record my experiences as I can.
If you enjoyed this, please 👏 as much as you can and feel free to share your crazy/silly Lagos experience story😅
